


Pour Me More

by HaughtBreaker



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Depression, Dick Jokes, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Smut, TW: Past Suicide attempt, Wayhaught - Freeform, sorry god, sorry mom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2019-07-11 16:52:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15976469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HaughtBreaker/pseuds/HaughtBreaker
Summary: Nicole Haught had the perfect life in California. Surfing before school and parties on the weekend, a beautiful girlfriend, and friends she would die for. That is, until her girlfriend dies. With Nicole plagued by depression, grief, and a failed suicide attempt, Nicole's father sends her to live with family in Purgatory, Canada. Sharing a house with the orphaned Earp sisters, Nicole must learn to adjust to a whole new life of snow, rodeo jocks, and a girl with the smile of an angel that brings up the question of whether she can ever love again.





	1. Slow Time

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to apologize in advance. When I started writing this fic, I was writing it for myself. Writing has always been my solace in life and once I started writing this, I couldn't stop. It grew into a monster and now I'm unleashing it upon you the readers. Please do not feel like you have to read this. While the suicide attempt is in the past, it does come up often in the story. Thank you to JayBear1701 for being the primary beta and my other writing buddies including Trylonandperisphere and a bunch of others my brain isn't working right now.

_(**the song mentioned in this chapter is called Slow Time by Go Jimmy Go and is available on Spotify**)_

 

It was early morning, the sun just breaking over the horizon and illuminating the long stretch of beach in tones of yellows and oranges. The soft hiss of the sea filled the air, the tide moving out bit by bit with each rush of water and foam.

Nicole stumbled onto the shore, water dripping from shoulder length auburn hair and down slightly tanned skin. She swallowed loudly, her chest heaving from the exertion of her morning surf as she took one slow step after the other, the whites of her brown eyes stained red. It wasn't hard to find the spot she'd marked for herself, a small green and white cabana towel tousled slightly by the wind in the sand near the grassline.

To anyone who didn't know her, she looked like a wayward teen, trying to get a few waves in before school started. She was as wayward as they came, and maybe six months ago the situation would have applied to her, but not anymore.

Six months ago, Nicole would have been far more careful with her board, placing it on the sand with calculated intent, but at that moment, she dropped it on the ground, kicking it mindlessly to at least face the top towards the rising sun. Less than carefully, she yanked at the velcro securing the leash to her ankle before dropping to the towel, struggling against her emotions. A bottle laid tilted in the soft sand and she reached for it, taking a quick pull of the clear liquid that burned all the way down her throat to her belly.

 _"You shouldn't surf drunk_ ," Shae's voice whispered in her ear, dancing on the seabreeze and testing the limits of her resolve.

Nicole sniffled, feeling the warmth of a tear slipping down her cheek in stark contrast to her chilled skin. At her hip, she untied the net bag that had one object in it, a small metal canister that slid easily into her hand. Unscrewing the airtight container, she expected empty space, but still her eyes filled with more tears, her lip trembling uncontrollably as she let the cap fall from one hand, reaching again for the bottle and messily filling her mouth with vodka before gulping it down with a gag.

"This is what she would want," she told herself as she capped the bottle, setting it aside. She couldn't bear to think of the cannister being empty when what remained of her love was now spread between the waves, to become a part of the beach and coral. With a heavy heart, she filled it half with sand before she connected the two parts of the cannister once more, setting it aside as she took a minute to look over the beach. Her fingers trembled as she pushed her wet hair behind her ear.

The shoreline was the same as it had been since she was a child, from the time she'd caught her first wave to the time she'd captured her first kiss. But, looking over the light sand and the greenish blue water, it was no longer the paradise it had always been. The cove hadn't changed, but she had. While the tide came in and headed out on schedule, washing away any marred surfaces and leaving behind a fresh shore, she hadn't been so lucky.

Nicole remembered sitting near the shorebreak, long tapered fingers drawing hearts in the wet sand as she pressed kisses along dark skin. She remembered whispered words of love and promises of the future that were to be whisked away like the crash of waves washed away the ridiculous hearts.

And now, the water couldn't remove the scars that had been left behind, emotional or physical. Nicole's eyes drifted over the barely healed marks, remembering how the vodka had tasted on her lips as her hands trembled. She didn't remember feeling the physical pain as flesh parted, or maybe it just couldn't combat the hopelessness she felt. Instead, she remembered the beat of music that poured from her speakers, the reggae-soul song that had once brought a smile to her face now bringing nothing but tears. She remembered somehow hearing the familiar singing voice that death had taken from her months before, one that was as real as the sound of her father pounding on her bedroom door.

_When you are here, it's the right time._  
_When you're around, it's a nice time._  
_When you are gone, it's a rough time._  
_When you stay away, it's the toughest time._  
_So come back home, Miss Wonderful  
_ _So time and time and time, time can slow down._

Nicole blinked away another wave of tears as she shook her head, taking a deep breath. Pulling over her board, she tested the surface, finding the wax soft and pliant before covering it with sand, beginning to scrub away the coat with experienced fingers. She tried not to think about this being the last time in a while, how the beach that had held so many treasures in the past would only be a memory in the days to come.

Another tear fell, splashing against the sandy surface that Nicole worked with her hands, making sure to clear away as much wax as possible. She lost herself in the work, feeling like layers of herself were being scrubbed away with the layers of wax. Despite her earlier negligence, the board had been good to her. She couldn't dream of leaving it in storage in poor condition, not when she didn't know when she would pick it up again, or if she ever would. For now, this was the least she could do for the part of her that had been so important.

When she felt she'd done all she could, Nicole gathered her things into her small bag and stood. She picked up the now sand-filled canister once again. It was strange to think about how much heavier sand was than ashes as she moved to the nearby grass. She set it on the ground beneath the familiar coconut tree before pulling out the new blade she'd purchased that morning.

Slowly, she began to scar the bark, being far more careful than she had been three months ago with her own skin. She didn't wipe away the tears that fell as she worked, cuts turning into carefully formed letters. Her own initials were easier, nothing but straight lines, but Shae's were curved, difficult, just like Shae. Nicole finished relatively quickly, running her fingers over the _NH + SP_ in one of those ridiculous hearts that Shae had loved so much before tucking the knife away.

"I'm sorry, Baby." She whispered, pressing her forehead to the rough bark. "I'm sorry I couldn't join you," she added before hefting up her board and turning her back on the beach and the soft hiss of waves breaking on the shore.

This time tomorrow, she would be in Canada, trading sunny beaches for harsh winters to live with an aunt she barely knew, far away from a life she had barely survived.

* * *

 

The rising sun slowly peaked through the patterned curtains as Waverly Earp huddled further under the blanket, trying to block out the light. She was given another two minutes before the alarm went off. With a huff, she let the alarm ring for a bit before she pushed back the blanket and quickly rolled out of bed. She snatched the hoodie from her bedpost and slipped it on as she sleepily headed towards the bathroom. Waverly had never really been a morning person, but was anyone really? She was almost to the door when a flash of color dashed in before her, the bathroom door closing just as she got there. "God damn it, Wynonna," she cursed, hitting the door with a quick punch before rubbing her eyes. She was glad her sister was back, but sometimes... "You're such an asshole."

"Gotta move faster than that, Waves." Wynonna called from the other side of the door as the toilet flushed and she heard the sink running.

"You don't even go to school anymore." Waverly's voice was a defeated whine as she leaned against the wall beside the door, her foot tapping on the floor to distract herself from the screaming of her bladder.

The door opened suddenly and Wynonna straightened her leather jacket, running a hand through her long brunette waves. "I'm taking your Jeep today, remember?"

It took a minute before Waverly recalled, realization dawning on her face. "Shit buckets. Right." How could she forget? She looked over at the room that had only recently been cleaned out. It had been a storage room for as long as she could remember, since the morning they moved in after their father had died… since Wynonna had accidentally killed him. She smiled at her sister who had only been back in town for a month now. "Give me a few minutes and I'll be ready."

"Take your time. Gus made pancakes." Wynonna was a little too giddy as she pushed past her, heading down the stairs.

Waverly shook her head. She knew by the time she got downstairs, her sister would have worked her way through most of the food. She settled for skipping breakfast as she splashed cold water on her face. Whatever kept Wynonna even close to happy, she was okay with it.

She couldn't bear to think of spending another three years without seeing her only close relative. Gus was great and all, but having her sister under the same roof almost reminded her of… before. She tried not to think about it, that night on the homestead when men had broken into their house. She'd only been six, but she understood the screams as her sister was killed, and her father was being dragged out of the house. Wynonna had shoved her in a closet, told her to cover her ears and close her eyes, not to cry, try not to breathe too loudly. But she hadn't listened. She remembered opening the door to watch Wynonna take their father's gun and…

Well, Wynonna had never been the best shot. Not like their sister Willa.

Another splash of freezing water from the faucet against her face and Waverly brought herself back to the present."Stop being so darn morose," she sighed heavily, looking at her reflection. She forced a smile onto her face, taking a deep breath. "Ok, Waverly Earp. Get your hiney in gear." She took another breath before nodding and starting her daily regimen. "You are surrounded by a sphere of positivity," she told her reflection, beginning to apply makeup as she repeated her daily mantra. "Negativity cannot touch you but your positivity can flow out and affect the world around you." She closed her eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath, imagining herself breathing in the light of goodness. She held her breath, willing herself to absorb the positivity until her body was too full, her lungs screaming with the strain. Slowly she exhaled, expelling the darkness and negativity from her body before continuing. "There are blessings everywhere, you just have to open your eyes to see them."

By the time Waverly was ready, her hair pulled up into twin buns and makeup freshly applied, she escaped the bathroom and the negativity she had left behind to quickly dress and grab her book bag, a small skip in her step that hadn't been there moments before. She was flipping through her folder as she entered the kitchen to find Wynonna eating a whole pancake speared on a fork. "It's easier to eat if you cut it," she commented as Gus handed her a glass of orange juice. "Thanks, Gus."

"I saved you some fruit." Gus set the bowl down on the table as she accepted a sheet of paper. "What's this?"

"Emergency contact and doctor info for cheerleading." Waverly smiled before picking a few blueberries out of the bowl.

Gus slipped her glasses on, eyeing the document. "As if there were more than one doctor in Purgatory." She pulled out a pen and began to fill in the boxes and lines before pausing, her eyes narrowing. "When did you join the varsity squad?"

"They let pipsqueaks on the varsity squad?" Wynonna mumbled around a mouthful of pancake.

"Don't be rude." Waverly felt a flare of anger at her sister. "I'll have you know I have the perfect stature for cheerleading."

"Tiny Amazon: perfect stature to get railed by every jock that..."

 _"Wynonna!_ " Gus's hand smacked the back of Wynonna's head as she gave her a look of distaste.

Waverly didn't let it phase her as she chewed on a strawberry. Considering just a few weeks ago she'd been dating Champ, one of the school's best cattle wranglers in the last Purgatory Rodeo, she didn't really have much room to argue. At least she'd come to her senses when he tried to convince her not to take the college course she had enrolled in, saying she didn't need to be so smart because she was pretty enough.

"I've sworn off of all jocks, thank you very much." She stuck her tongue out at her sister. "Besides, I don't really have time for dating. I'm taking that extra class in ancient history and I'm going to be swamped if I'm going to graduate this year." Well, that and she was self aware enough to notice that lately it wasn't just the boys she'd been watching at school. She needed to take some time to figure things out and overanalyze everything as she normally did.

Wynonna shook her head as she pushed up from her chair. "I don't know why you're in such a hurry to graduate."

"Someone in this family should graduate high school." Waverly sniped. She knew it was mean, but still the words slipped out before she could stop them.

To her credit, Wynonna just raised an eyebrow before slinging an arm over her shoulder. "Well… then let's get you to school, Nerd."

Bundled up and prepared for the day, Waverly slipped into the passenger side of her red Jeep. She'd worked at the local pub, Shorty's, all summer, sweeping floors and washing dishes, not only because employment looked great on a college application, but it also allowed her to scrape up enough money to buy what she considered her own bit of freedom. Wynonna didn't drive it often, but after she dinged up Gus's truck something fierce, Gus had been more likely to having Wynonna ask Waverly first.

Wynonna hopped into the Jeep with a grin. "You know, for someone who gets cold easy, you sure picked the worst vehicle possible."

"She may be cold at times, but she's got heart…" Waverly commented, not following up with the silent _kinda like you_ she thought instantly.

"That has got to be," Wynonna started the jeep easily, "the lamest thing I've ever heard you say."

"Haha," Waverly buckled her seatbelt firmly. "Just be careful and keep it...Wynonna!" She screamed as her sister punched the gas and the jeep's tires spun in the snow for a good second before lurching into movement.

Wynonna only laughed.


	2. Only a Memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all those that took a chance on this story. I appreciate all the comments and kudos. Thanks to Jaybear1701 for repeatedly telling me to stop using the word "form" and to use more commas. Although I have a huge chunk of this story typed, I’m going to be getting ready for Earp-a-palooza so I’m knee deep in prep. I’ll have a vendor table there for GalPalStitches.Com if anyone wants to drop by

**The accompanying song for this chapter is [Beauty from Pain by Superchick](https://open.spotify.com/track/2I7tgHmV8iaMXLwma9Nl7U). **

 

The moment her plane touched down, Nicole could feel the chill permeating through the window. She tugged her hoodie a little closer, knowing she would soon have to adorn the heavy coat that took up most of the space inside her backpack. Even with the buds in her ears, she could still hear the flight attendant droning on about keeping her seat belt on and not standing in the aisles until the plane came to a complete stop. Nervously, she gripped the small keychain in her pocket, running her thumbnail between the layers of the keyring.

When the door to the plane opened, a rush of cold filled the air and Nicole realized something she hadn't even considered… there was no warm walkway waiting outside the door leading to the airport, only icy wind and a long trek across the tarmac. She quickly tugged out her jacket, barely getting her beanie over her head before someone was clearing their throat impatiently behind her.

The frigid cold bit right into Nicole's face as she stepped down the stairs, trying not to slip on the stairs that looked at least half a century old. She attempted to turn her mind away from her burning eyes and the frigid shock to her lungs as she followed the flock of people that headed towards a nearby building. Instead, she thought about home, picturing the sun shining on the perfect break, the wind smelling of salt and sunscreen. She tried to taste the seawater on her tongue and hear the wind blowing through the leaves of coconut trees, the feel of soft skin under her fingertips and lips pressing against the spot just below her left ear. Listening closely, she could hear that voice…

_"My beautiful beach rat."_

Nicole blinked as her eyes began to water, lost in a memory of what once was, her feet working by autopilot. A blast of artificial heat assaulted her just inside the door and she was pulled back to the present, feeling her skin drying almost instantly. "Welcome to fucking Canada," she mumbled as she moved with the crowd being herded towards the baggage area by security ribbons and faded signs. The large digital display on the wall told her it was just before noon and she tried not to think too much about what she'd be doing if she were home, about how she'd be in third period, American History. A lot of good that would do her now.

It wasn't a far walk. The airport didn't appear to be much bigger than one of those gas stations surrounded by cornfields in rural Indiana or some other horror movie shit like that. Where zombie kids came out of nowhere to slaughter you if you weren't paying attention.

It didn't fill her with a sense of comfort.

From what her mother had told her about her hometown, Purgatory was a bit of a shithole - a place where you were lucky if your house had indoor plumbing. She hadn't even fathomed that outhouses were still a thing. Her thoughts lingered on midnight bathroom trips and the probability of freezing to death on a shitter.

There had to be a statistic for that somewhere.

The baggage area was straight ahead through a set of automatic doors. The guard blocking the exit from the secure area was a man who had to be at least 80 years old, sitting on a stool and sleeping soundly. To Canada's credit, the waiting loved ones seemed to be keeping honest by staying near the baggage claim, waiting patiently for the passengers to exit.

Nicole wasn't quite sure who she should be looking for and raised an eyebrow as she saw a girl dressed in black leather holding a hand-written sign that said _Haught Pants McGee_. The girl wore a pair of aviator glasses that she lowered to look at Nicole. Blue eyes, angular features and all attitude, no doubt stuck in some sort of personal rebellion against the social norm. This had to be one of the sisters she'd heard about. Nicole sighed softly, walking straight up to her and stopping.

"I don't think we're at the point in our relationship where you can make fun of my name yet."

The girl shrugged, folding up the sign. "Well, can I make fun of you being gay at least? I do have to say, I always wanted a gay cousin. I'm Wynonna."

"I'm pretty sure that could be considered some level of prejudice." Nicole gave her a wry look. She wasn't quite sure how to gauge her new acquaintance. "Well, I'm Nicole and I can't say I ever wanted a leather-clad deviant as a cousin… adopted cousin… or second cousin of my mother's adoptive family... however the hell this works."

"Funny, I'm not the one that was sent off to another country," Wynonna paused. "This time. Shit, maybe we are related… _by adoption_ ," she mocked before pursing her lips and looking around awkwardly. "So… now that we've firmly established that we could legally bone without being shunned by society… you got more shit than that little backpack? Cause you're a little too tall for my meticulously assembled wardrobe and you're definitely about a dick and a half too tall for Waverly's shit."

Nicole couldn't help smiling. She'd had a picture of what the people of Purgatory would be like, but this was definitely not it. Wynonna was snarky and crass. It reminded her a little of her best friend back home, the one that was still alive anyway. "Yeah, I've got a suitcase and a duffle. And is the phallic measuring system particular to Canada as a whole or your own personal flare?"

"Easy now, Haught. I don't think we're in that stage of our relationship that you can ask me about my personal flare," Wynonna quipped with a wink. "And I hope you don't expect me to help you carry shit… I've got like… corporal tunnel."

"Carpal tunnel," Nicole corrected. "One too many hand jobs?"

Wynonna had the audacity to smirk. "Maybe a dozen too many." When a buzzer rang through the area, there were a few clanks before the small baggage carousel started spinning. "Let's get your shit so we can get back to Purgatory."

* * *

 

The drive was longer than Nicole thought it would be. It took about an hour of listening to Wynonna's shitty death metal that Nicole was pretty sure was Scandinavian before they passed the sign that said _"Welcome to Purgatory! You'll never want to leave."_ Nicole swallowed audibly as they passed through the town at what had to be double the speed limit.

Nicole watched with apprehension as Wynonna seemed to almost gleefully speed past the sheriff's department, her eyes watching the rearview mirror with disappointment as no one noticed, as if she wanted to be pulled over. Wynonna huffed and turned the music down just a bit and slowed as the building disappeared out of view behind them.

It took another 15 minutes to push straight through the other side of town and drive the short distance away to what looked like a farm of sort. The house wasn't at all the shack Nicole imagined it would be, she thought, the Jeep pulling to a halt with a jolt. It was a two story house with a porch that wrapped around two sides of it. Behind the house and a bit away, there appeared to be a greenhouse that had seen better days, some of the windows cracked or missing.

Nicole slipped out of the Jeep, her legs a little unsteady after the less-than-smooth ride. There was a loud creak and she saw a woman standing in the doorway. She was slightly familiar, not from Nicole's own memories, but from photos she'd seen when she was younger.

"Nicole." The woman had short grey hair and wore a flannel shirt tucked into high-waisted jeans. She held the screen door open, expecting Nicole to enter.

Grabbing her suitcase and duffel from the back of the jeep, Nicole kept her head down, stepping inside and looking around. It was… rustic was the best word she could think of. Not exactly Martha Stewart's idea of rustic, but certainly not the backwater redneck motif she was expecting.

"Alright, let me look at you." Gus stepped up to her, a thoughtful look on her face. Her eyes held a wisdom that seemed befitting of her old age. Gus had of course aged since the pictures from her mother's childhood. "You look just like your mother, but definitely a lot taller," Gus mused.

"Yeah." Nicole nodded. "So I've been told." She wasn't in the mood to talk about her mother. It was one of the things she'd dreaded, having to discuss her dead mother with the woman that had adopted her. Her mother had never spoken ill of Gus, just that she was a no-nonsense woman with keen observation skills. Gus hadn't come to the funeral and Nicole hadn't understood at the time, but after her own experience with grief, it had bought Gus a bit of lenience.

Wynonna entered the house with a slam of the door, causing everyone to jump.

"Damn it, Wynonna." Gus shook her head.

Wynonna held up her hands. "Not nice to swear at kids, Gus. You're gonna give Haught here a bad impression."

"You are not a damn kid anymore. In fact, isn't it about time you went and got yourself a job?"

"I'd love to, Gus," Wynonna shrugged, "but you know with this economy, it's getting harder to find a job that will pay you an honest living when you've got a college education, let alone being a high school dropout."

"That's funny because your sister got a job during the summer, and she's two years younger than you and still in high school."

"You got her that job!"

Nicole just watched as they argued back and forth, feeling a bit like a third wheel but also feeling a passive amusement. She'd never really gotten the opportunity to argue with her mother like this, and even if Wynonna and Gus weren't actually mother and daughter, it was an interesting dynamic.

"Can you just show her to her room, please, while I get started on dinner?" Gus massaged her temple. "I have to work tonight and I'd rather not do it with a dang headache."

Wynonna did an about face, heading to the stairs and stopping suddenly before looking at Nicole. "You coming or what?"

"Sure." Nicole shook her head, grabbing her luggage. "Thanks, Gus," she said as she passed the older woman. It was a bit of a struggle getting the luggage up the stairs, but she got there to find Wynonna leaning against the wall near a door, arms crossed over her chest. "Thanks."

"Glad to help." Wynonna responded. "Here's your room. Mine is down the hall over there and my sister Waverly's room is between ours. Gus sleeps in the room downstairs."

"OK." Nicole nodded, setting her things just inside the door before looking up at Wynonna.

Wynonna pursed her lips, tapping the toe of one of her boots for a moment before clapping her hands once. "Okay, then. Welcome to Purgatory." She turned on her heels and left without another word.

Nicole released a long sigh as she looked around the room. "Well…" She shucked off the heavier coat she wore but kept her hoodie on, hugging the material closer to her. The room wasn't much smaller than her room back home, but it smelt like storage and the walls were bare. The bed looked new, at least, with fresh sheets and a thick comforter.

She probably should have started unpacking - settling into what was going to be her new life for however long her father didn't want to deal with her anymore. She didn't blame him, of course. He hadn't been the same since her mother died. Her grief was a mirror of his own, a living reminder of what loss felt like. It was easier for him to turn his back on her than to live through it again.

She ignored her suitcase completely, grabbing her duffle bag as she sat on the bed. It was softer than she liked, almost as soft as Shae's pillowtop. "Stop." She broke the silence of the room. She knew she needed to stop comparing everything to… before.

Her watch alarm went off with a soft beep, a reminder that came three times a day of just how fragile she was. In her backpack she found three brown bottles, the contents rattling softly as she fought against the child-safety locks. Her grip strength still hadn't come back fully, even after months of physical therapy. Eventually she was able to tip out the collection of whites and peach that had become her life, washing them back with the half-empty bottle of water she'd gotten on the plane. With a grimace at the bitter taste left on her tongue, Nicole tossed the bottles back into the safety of her backpack. She wasn't quite ready to share that part of herself with her new housemates. No doubt her father had already told Gus, but no sense in giving Wynonna what could be prime ammo to use against her.

From her backpack she pulled a small framed photo, her fingertip brushing along the line of Shae's jaw. "Well… we're in some shit, Babe." She set the photo on the nightstand and pulled a familiar plush throw from her duffle bag. She could feel the lethargic wave washing over her, the side effect of her medication almost irresistible when combined with hours of traveling.

Kicking off her shoes, she pushed her bags to one side of the bed before wrapping herself in the throw, breathing in the scent of home. Looking around the room once more, she let her eyes settle on the photo of Shae as she drifted off to sleep.

The sun was reaching for the horizon by the time Waverly stepped out of the locker room and headed towards the parking lot. Cheerleading had gone a little long but still Wynonna was nowhere to be seen. She sniffled against the cold as she checked her wristwatch.

"Waves!"

Looking up, she raised a hand as Jeremy jogged up to her, his breath coming out in white puffs of condensation. "Hey Jer-bear." She smiled at her best friend who was carrying a stack of books. It was Friday which meant he had been meeting with the science club. A genius when it came to anything science, he was the only other student in Purgatory that was graduating a year early, but unlike Waverly, he wasn't a cheerleader that was liked by everyone in town. He often got pushed around by the asshole jocks of the school and Waverly did her best to shield him with her own popularity. Not only was he picked on for his intelligence, but also for being one of the few out gay students in school, and the only person Waverly had confided in regarding her questioning her own sexuality.

"What are you still doing here, Crazy." He scratched at the stubble forming along his jaw. "It's freezing! Where's your Jeep?"

Waverly shrugged. "Wynonna had to pick someone up from the airport so she took it. She's running a little late, as always."

"Classic Wynonna." Jeremy shook his head. "Got some family visiting?"

"Kind of." Waverly pursed her lips, trying to think of the best way to explain it. "I guess she's kind of like a second cousin but not really? Her mom was adopted by Gus as a kid," she explained. "And I guess she's going to be living with us for a little bit. I'm not exactly sure how long."

"Whoa." Jeremy raised his eyebrows in surprise, shifting the books in his hands so he could adjust his beanie. "That's kind of crazy. Have you not met her before?"

Waverly shook her head, feeling the chill attacking her uncovered face. "Nope. Her dad is American so she lives in California…lived I guess."

Jeremy grimaced. "From California to Purgatory… that's gonna be a bit of a weather shock."

Waverly chuckled. "Completely. You'll probably meet her on Monday," she paused before an idea came to her, " unless you wanted to come over this weekend?" She gave Jeremy her best pleading look. "We can study for our physics exam?"

"As if you needed to study." He rolled his eyes in exaggeration before sniffling.

"There's never any harm in studying, even when you know the answers." Waverly heard the sound of the gears on her Jeep grinding before she saw Wynonna skidding into the lot. "God damn it, Wynonna." Waverly barked as both she and Jeremy took an instinctual step back, the Jeep barely stopped in time.

"Sup Nerd," Wynonna nodded towards Jeremy before looking at Waverly. "Get in, Loser."

Waverly rolled her eyes before giving Jeremy a quick hug. "Tomorrow? Please?"

Jeremy sighed. "You know I can't say no to you."

"Good. Awesome. Thank you. I love you." Waverly grinned and waved before she slipped into the Jeep. As they pulled away, she reached over and turned the volume of the death metal down. "So…."

"So what?"

Waverly narrowed her eyes at her sister. "What are your thoughts?"

"That Hanson should never have stopped making music."

"Wynonna!"

Wynonna huffed. "What do you want me to say? She's… quiet, but snarky. Taller than me… like Wonder Woman kind of tall minus the leather bathing suit. She… looks so gay."

Waverly had to laugh. "What the heck does that mean?" Waverly looked down at her own clothes, star speckled leggings tucked into fuzzy calf-high boots under her cheerleading uniform that was covered with a puffy white jacket with faux-fur trim. Did she's look gay? Or bisexual rather? She didn't think so.

"You're just gonna have to see for yourself I guess."

Waverly nodded, looking out at the stretch of road ahead of them. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.


	3. What Remains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for reading and commenting. I appreciate it. Thank you to Jaybear1701 for reading through it.

**Companion song: Another Empty Bottle by Katy McAllister ([Spotify link](https://open.spotify.com/track/0RJmnZ23Usaa07LPUe4mGb)) **

 

_"Do you love me?"_

_The voice tickled Nicole's ear and she smiled, turning to look into dark brown eyes and finding her lips captured instead. "Yes." She whispered between soft kisses. "You know that."_

_"I like hearing you say it."_

_"I love you, Shae." Nicole turned to press her girlfriend back into the towel, leaning over her and laughing as her wet hair dripped seawater on Shae's cheek. "How can anyone not love you?" She chuckled, looking down at the body beneath her, adorned in a bikini top and a pair of surf shorts. "I mean you're kind of an asshole, but you're pretty damn hot."_

_"Jerk!" Shae laughed, wrapping her arm around Nicole's shoulders and pulling her down. "You're lucky you're pretty damn cute yourself, Haught stuff."_

_Nicole let herself sink into the embrace, the warmth of their bodies merging together. She was struck with a sudden sadness, an emptiness that seemed to take over her completely and she pulled back, looking into sad eyes that watched her. "This isn't real is it?" She pushed away, putting some space between the two of them as she sat back on her heels._

_"It was." Shae sat up, the fingers of one hand intertwining with one of Nicole's hands. "We were here once, together - before that night." She laughed. "We were here a lot."_

_"This was our place." Nicole felt a tear slip from her eye, leaving a saline trail down her cheek. "Now it's just yours." Looking at the base of the tree, she saw the metal canister there._

_"It will always be ours," Shae commented, turning their joined hands to show Nicole's forearm in the sunlight, harsh red lines marring the once-perfect skin. "You're too beautiful to be this stupid, Nicky."_

_"I wanted to be with you." It sounded moronic just saying it aloud, but it was the truth and Nicole could never lie to her. "I miss you."_

_Shae reached up, pushing auburn hair behind Nicole's ear. "I know you do, Baby, but we both know that wasn't why you did it." Shae looked away for a moment before returning her gaze to Nicole. "You should probably wake up. There's a whole new world waiting for you."_

_Nicole sighed. "I don't want to wake up. Canada is fucking cold."_

_"Yeah but that Wynonna… She's kinda hot." Shae leaned forward, pressing a brief kiss to Nicole's lips. "You should totally try to tap that."_

_"Don't even joke about that." Nicole shook her head. "I don't even want to think about it."_

_"I love you, Nicky, but you've always been a bonehead." She caressed Nicole's jaw but suddenly Nicole couldn't feel anything. She didn't feel the heat of her hand or the pressure of the caress. There was nothing to connect them, the embrace just a memory as it was when she was awake. She barely had time to reflect on it before Shae yelled, "now get the hell up!"_

Nicole woke with a start, sitting up in the unfamiliar bed. She felt around her, feeling completely disoriented until her eyes fell on the picture on the nightstand, seeing Shae's smile as they sat in the sand together. "Shit." She looked up to see someone standing in the doorway, a surprised look on her face.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." The teen was… tiny seemed like a word that didn't really match, despite her short stature. Her eyes were inquisitive and she had a welcoming smile.

Nicole blinked, her brow furrowing. "You didn't. I was waking up anyway." She cleared her throat, rubbing at her eyes with the heel of her palm. It couldn't be further from the truth. It was taking everything in her to stay awake as her mind still lingered on the dream, trying not to forget the feel of soft lips as the details began to fade away.

"You left the door open."

Looking at the door in question, it took a minute for Nicole's mind to focus on the words. She didn't even realize she'd left it open, or even that it could close at all. She'd been so used to the lack of privacy the last few months. "Oh." She moved to the edge of the bed and stretched, feeling her back aligning itself as she yawned. "My dad removed my door months ago," she explained. Well, it was more like he didn't replace the one that got broken down to get to her.

The girl looked like she was thinking that over before she spoke again. "So, you're Nicole."

Nicole nodded and tried to muster up her own smile. "Guilty as charged. Nicole Haught, at your service."

The girl smiled. "Haught. Is that really your last name?"

Nicole nodded again. "Unfortunately. You must be… Waverly Earp?"

"That's me." Waverly's hand came up in a small wave. "Welcome to Purgatory." She looked a little uncertain, biting the corner of her lip for a second before saying anything else. Her eyes seemed to inspect Nicole with curiosity.

Nicole saw Waverly's brow furrow, her eyes looking at… Nicole quickly tugged her sleeves down to her wrists, realizing they must have scrunched up either in sleep or when she had stretched. "Is it always this cold?" She knew the discussion was unavoidable, but she wasn't up to talking about what had happened just yet.

"No." Waverly spoke softly. "It actually gets a lot colder." There was a silence that was bordering on awkward before she smiled like she was trying too hard. "Well, Purgatory's no sunny California, but it has its perks." She rocked on the heels of boots that seemed too large and fluffy for her stature.

Nicole tilted her head to the side as she got a closer look now that she was a little more awake. She could see the resemblance to Wynonna, but there was a timidness that was lacking in the older Earp. Also a softness. Where Wynonna was sharp edges and lines, Waverly was anything but. Still, pain recognized pain, and there was a sadness that existed in the depths of her hazel eyes. "What kind of perks? If you say something like cow tipping and rodeo…"

"Haha. No one really cow tips here." Waverly crossed her arms over her chest in defiance. "That's just stereotyping."

"I notice you didn't deny the rodeo," Nicole deadpanned.

"Why would anyone want to deny the rodeo?"

Nicole narrowed her eyes, not sure if she was joking or not until Waverly laughed. This laugh was genuine. Even with having just met her, Nicole could tell that much.

"Ok so there's totally a rodeo," Waverly shrugged, reaching up to scratch the side of her nose. "Don't knock it till you try it. It can be fun sometimes."

"I'll take your word for it." Nicole ran a hand through her hair nervously. She was exhausted and she was still feeling a little disoriented with sleep and the weather. The heat didn't seem to be high enough to compensate for the frigid temperatures and she was tempted to crawl under the blankets and just sleep the rest of the day away.

"Well, don't let me keep you." Waverly took a step out of the doorframe. "I know it can suck being in an unfamiliar place so let me know if you need anything."

Nicole nodded and smiled. "Thank you, Waverly. It was nice meeting you." When Waverly turned to leave, Nicole blew out a long sigh, letting the smile drop from her face.

Well, she'd finally met everyone in the house. She hadn't expected it to be so easy to talk to Waverly, much easier than with Wynonna. There had been a unusual glint of honesty in the youngest Earp's eyes, one that was inviting and unnerving at the same time.

Waverly had seen her scars. Nicole wasn't quite sure what to expect. Waverly hadn't commented, had merely paused before continuing the conversation and Nicole wasn't quite sure how to take that.

Well, dinner was going to be interesting.

* * *

Waverly closed her bedroom door behind her, setting her bookbag on the floor. She had a stack of homework to get through and two tests to study for but she had the whole weekend and her mind lingered on her new neighbor.

"Nicole Haught." The name rolled off her tongue easily and she smiled for a moment before she remembered what she'd seen.

When they were first told Nicole was going to be moving in, Gus had been really simple in her explanation.

_"Now don't go poking your nose where it don't belong. All I can say is that her partner… or girlfriend… or whatever you kids are calling it these days… she went and died 6 months ago and Nicole's had some trouble keepin' her nose clean because of it so her father believes she's in need of a change of scenery."_

Waverly wasn't sure what she had expected. Waverly knew grief - she'd been dealing with it her whole life. In a small town like Purgatory, she spent years being reminded of just how alone she was. Her father, her sister Willa, every time Wynonna disappeared out the door and didn't come back for days or even months. She remembered moving into Gus's with Wynonna. She had been young, but she remembered every minute of that day. Walking up the stairs that seemed too tall for her short legs. Wynonna had let her sleep with her that night. But eventually even Wynonna left her behind, either when she was running away or getting in trouble.

But she wasn't familiar with it like Nicole was. Despite the obvious beauty, and she was gorgeous, Waverly could see the vacant look in brown eyes and the dark circles. Nicole's gaze had been guarded, as if afraid to reveal too much. Her shoulders were broad, but fallen and her clothes hung off her frame like she'd lost too much weight too quickly.

And the arms she had guarded so quickly.

Stopping in front of her body- length mirror, Waverly took in her own reflection. She could tell herself, with all the loss she'd suffered, that the thought of just giving up was never something she'd entertained, but she was never one to lie to herself.

If she'd told anyone, they wouldn't believe her. After all, she was Waverly Earp, the nicest in all of Purgatory. She was the bright and shining star that everyone loved. She even had a sash, a silly ceremony that the town had thrown at the fair one year after she'd helped organize community events all Summer long. From trash pick ups, to bake sales, and even organizing a food drive. But that had been the day she'd felt the smallest, when her cheeks had hurt so much from the smile she kept up that she'd kept herself up past midnight crying. No one had suspected she'd just been using the events as an excuse to keep busy, to keep her mind off the fact that Wynonna had been committed to Saint Victoria's after trying to burn her classroom down.

She didn't remember going downstairs. One minute she was looking into her mirror, staring into a mirror that she'd stood before many times before, and the next thing she knew, she was standing there with a handful of sleeping pills and a heavy heart, she remembered the emptiness she had felt.

Waverly had spent what felt like every moment of her life trying to get a town that hated her last name to accept her, to push past being the sister of the girl who killed her own father and sister - the girl who was left behind when a family fell apart. Every day was a race, outrunning her past by excelling in everything: class, cheerleading, volunteering around town, working with Gus. She had to be perfect all the time when at times she still felt like that kid shoved in a closet, unable to do anything as everything was taken from her.

Waverly shook her head, taking a deep breath. "You are surrounded by a sphere of positivity," she told her reflection, wiping away the beginnings of tears. "Negativity cannot touch you, but your positivity can flow out and affect the world around you."

A knock on the door jarred Waverly out of her ruminations and she took a deep breath before opening it. "Hey, Wyn. What's up?"

Wynonna gave her a critical look, the moment stretching just until she felt a little awkward before Wynonna spoke. "Dinner should be ready in about 10 minutes. Did you meet the newbie?"

Waverly rolled her eyes. "Yes and she seems very nice."

"I dunno." She crossed her arms and leaned in the doorframe. "She seems a little… haught tempered."

"Good gravy, you are ridiculous." Waverly smacked Wynonna, but she smiled before internally chastising herself. Eggshells. Every day it was like walking on eggshells, everyday afraid something she said or did would make her sister run and leave her behind.

"Hey now." Wynonna stepped away. "I'm your sister not your bottom. Call Champ if you want someone to beat on."

Waverly cringed. "Ew. Seriously?" She shook her head, looking past Wynonna towards the door that was still open. Leaning forward she whispered, "Do you think we should be watching her?"

Looking over her shoulder, Wynonna paused for a minute before pushing Waverly in the room and closing the door. "That's pretty creepy, Waves. Why? Do you think she's going to murder us in our sleep? Should I sleep with a bat?"

"Do you even own a bat?"

Wynonna's eyes widened. "Probably not. Should I go buy a bat to sleep with? And by buy I mean should I go steal one from Henry?"

"Nothing like that, Dummy. I just…" Waverly thought about the scars she had seen, still bright red and obviously recent. It wasn't her story to tell, she knew that, but was this something they needed to watch for? Nicole had said she didn't even have a door back home. Did that mean she couldn't be trusted to be by herself? "I don't think she's here because she was just having a hard time…"

"Did she say something to you?"

"Of course not." Waverly sighed. She didn't want to talk behind Nicole's back, but she knew her sister could be one of the most insensitive people at times. What if she joked about the wrong thing? What if Nicole was easily triggered? Leaning closer and keeping her voice low, Waverly whispered, " She has these scars on her arms and… I'm pretty sure she tried to kill herself."

"Oh." Wynonna leaned away. "Whew… I thought you meant she was gonna…" She shook her head. "I'm sure Gus knows the full story and if Gus trusts her, we probably should too. What did the scars look like?"

Waverly bit her bottom lip, filled with uncertainty. "I only got a glimpse before she covered them but they're like bright red and it was basically from wrist…" She traced a line down her own arm, a line from her wrist almost to her inner elbow.

"Well, it definitely doesn't sound like she fell off a bike." Wynonna pursed her lips for a moment before shrugging. "Ok, so no jokes about offing yourself over dinner. Got it." She nudged Waverly in the shoulder. "Come down and help me set the table."

"You mean set the table while watching you try to make birds out of the napkins?"

"Yeah that's what I said."

Waverly rolled her eyes. "Go ahead. I'll let Nicole know." Watching her sister leave, Waverly let her eyes linger on the door. There had to be something she could… With a smile on her face, she moved to the stack of fresh laundry Gus had left on her bed before grabbing a bundle and heading to what was now Nicole's room.

The door, of course, was still open and Nicole was sitting in the middle of the bed, legs crossed, eyes on a tablet. She was pretty focused on whatever she was doing and nearly jumped out of her skin when Waverly rapped her knuckles against the door.

"Holy shit!" Nicole fumbled with the tablet before looking up in surprise.

"Oh boy, sorry about that." Waverly gave her an apologetic look.

Nicole shook her head. "Don't worry about it." She set the tablet down. "I uh… did you need something?"

Waverly blinked before nodding. "Well… I know it gets really cold and you're probably not used to it." She lifted up the blanket in her hand. "I like to keep a spare around, kind of like a bonus blanket…" She held it out towards Nicole. "You'll probably need it more than I will."

Nicole looked like she was about decline it for a second until she nodded. "Yeah, it's already pretty cold and it's not even dark out yet." Slipping off the bed, she walked over to Waverly. It was the first time Waverly got to see just how tall she was. Nicole accepted the blanket with a small smile. "Thanks. That's really sweet." She set it down on her bed, her fingers running over the soft material. "I'm used to kind of just… sleeping in boxers and a tank top but I think those days are over."

"You'll get used to it." Waverly piped up, a smile having worked its way onto her face. "So, dinner should be done in about 5 minutes or so. Wynonna can't be trusted to set the table so I'm on my way down." She wasn't exactly sure why she was lingering, as if she was taking up residence in the doorway. "I'll um… see you down there."

Nicole nodded. "I'll be right down."

With her own nod, Waverly took a step back before turning to head down the stairs. She felt strangely awkward and uncertain about herself as she began to descend, her mind going over the interaction that hadn't seemed too bad. So why did she have the weirdest feeling, like she wanted to look over her shoulder, but didn't want to seem too creepy at the same time?

Waverly took an unsteady breath, trying to calm her mind as she got to the bottom floor, unable to stop herself from looking up at the open door before heading into the dining room.

* * *

Stepping into the dining room, Nicole didn't know the last time she'd eaten dinner at a table that wasn't in a restaurant. She wasn't sure if there was a specific place to sit until Waverly pulled a chair out and gestured to it for her. "Is there anything I can help with?"

Waverly shook her head. "Not tonight. Tonight you watch, tomorrow you help… well Monday you help."

Nicole tilted her head to the side in question. "Do you guys not eat dinner on the weekends?"

"As if Wynonna would ever skip a meal." Gus commented as she entered and set a bowl of tossed salad on the table. "Wednesday through Friday I work from seven to two am. Saturday and Sunday I start at five so these two usually fend for themselves. Waverly is a great cook."

"Thank you, Gus." Waverly smiled, her cheeks turning a crimson as she watched Gus return to the kitchen.

"Yeah except she's vegan." Wynonna complained, dropping down into a chair that was a little more than an arms length away from Nicole. "So if you don't mind munching on rabbit food, she's a great cook."

"I'm from California. I'm not against vegan meals." Nicole gave Waverly a small smile, surprised when it looked like her blush darkened.

"Well…" Gus set down a bowl of spaghetti and marinara sauce and another bowl with meatballs and sauce. "Here we have spaghetti with meatless sauce and meatballs if you want some." She gestured to a plate that Waverly set on the table closer to herself. "And some baked eggplant."

"Just think of eggplant parmesan without the cheese and with an almond crust instead of breadcrumbs." Waverly commented as she sat down and began to serve herself some of the green salad mix.

Nicole was a little glad that she didn't find herself in a home that required grace to be said before dinner. Neither of her parents raised her to be religious. She accepted the salad that Waverly offered her and began to add a little to the salad bowl she'd been provided.

"Pass the salad."

Nicole didn't think twice about it and held it out to Wynonna before accepting the bowl of cucumber slices, adding two to her bowl.

"Pass the cucumbers."

As she passed the cucumbers over, Nicole noticed Wynonna barely had a few leaves of salad on her bowl. She would have commented but she found a bowl of tomato slices offered to her. "No thanks. I'm not that big a fan of raw tomatoes."

"I'll take those," Wynonna commented.

Looking around the table, Nicole noticed she wasn't the only one surprised by Wynonna's request. Nicole grabbed the bowl of sliced tomatoes, reaching to her side to hand it to Wynonna. It felt like she was needing to reach further and further each time and this time she saw the way Wynonna's eyes dropped down to look at her wrists, as if trying to get a better look.

So that's what this was all about, Nicole thought as Wynonna took the bowl. She was used to people trying to get a better look, some people even being bold enough to ask. She wasn't sure if Gus had told both Earps girls, considering Waverly had seemed surprised. Sitting back up in her seat, Nicole looked over at Waverly who seemed to figure out Wynonna's game as well and was shooting daggers at her sister. When Waverly looked at Nicole, Waverly's eyes quickly averted to her bowl, her fork stabbing at her salad.

"Can you pass the cheese?" Wynonna gave her an expectant look.

Nicole sighed heavily as she turned in her chair to look Wynonna right in the eyes before she pulled up her sleeves and revealed her scars to her. "Just take a good look already. I'm tired of passing you shit if you're not going to actually eat it."

It was like all the air got sucked out of the room. Both Waverly and Gus seemed to freeze as Wynonna pursed her lips, looking over Nicole before shaking her head. "Dude… I just wanted some cheese, but congrats on the living."

They were at a standstill until a roll launched across the table and hit Wynonna right in the face.

"What the hell?"

Gus gave her a wry look. "Obviously you need something to chew on to get you to stop talking so Nicole here doesn't murder you while I'm at work."

Nicole pulled her sleeves down and sat back in her seat. Looking across the table, Waverly had her eyes locked on her own plate. This was just a fantastic end to her first day in Purgatory. She couldn't wait for the awesomeness of starting school on Monday.


	4. Reaching Out To You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicole gets to start her first day at Purgatory High

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to JayBear1701 who messaged me early this morning basically asking me what the hell I was doing with commas. Thanks to everyone who keeps reading.

** Companion song for this chapter is [Lay Me Down - Sam Smith](https://open.spotify.com/track/64GRDrL1efgXclrhVCeuA0) ... cause yeah I'm basic like that. I actually do have an in-progress [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/69bkzPuUTkX4H8hBK1ozVn) that I've been adding songs to as I post chapters**

 

_Nicole looked around the party, feeling her body already moving slightly to the music that boomed from the speakers. She was exhausted from her shift at the shop but she was happy to be around friends._

_"Nicky!"_

_Nicole smirked as she found Shae leaning against the couch, drink already in hand. She was waving her free hand to get Nicole's attention, even as their friend continued to talk to her. She detoured for a red cup from the keg station before moving to her girlfriend, capturing a hello kiss. "Hey." She turned to her friend. "Rosita, you're looking extra thirsty today."_

_"Fuck off, Red." Rosita gave her a rough shove. "You're late, as always."_

_"Some of us have jobs." Nicole took a long sip of the god awful beer before coughing. "Jesus, they could have at least sprung for the mediocre shit."_

_Rosita pulled a flask from her back pocket, waving it in front of Nicole. "It's a good thing vodka makes everything tolerable… if only I had a friend to share it with."_

_Nicole smirked, holding her cup out._

_Holding out for just a few seconds, Rosita unscrewed the cap and poured a good helping into Nicole's cup. "You're lucky you're cute."_

_Shae laughed, reaching up to brush the back of her knuckles against Nicole's cheek. "She's okay." She tangled her fingers in auburn hair before pulling her forward for a kiss. It was needy and possessive, as if she had something to prove in front of even their friend. Nicole just went with it until Shae pulled away. She was used to her girlfriend's drunken shenanigans._

_Some people might have been put off by it, frustrated by what seemed like a lack of trust. Nicole just didn't care. She was used to it._

_"I'm gonna get something else to drink." Shae commented before stepping away._

Don't let her go.

_Nicole blinked against the sudden urge, reaching out, her hand closing around Shae's wrist. She felt like she was fighting against something… against instinct and fate._

_Shae turned to look at her, confused._

_"Here, take mine. I'm not enjoying it anyway." Nicole pulled Shae back to her. "Just… don't leave me."_

_Shae smiled. "Why would I ever do that?"_

_Nicole looked up as Rosita grabbed her arm._

_"Let her go, Nicole." Her voice was stern, her grip firm._

_"What the hell, Rosie, let go."_

_"Nicole!"_

Nicole jolted up in surprise, her eyes bleary as she took in the still unfamiliar surroundings.

"Girl, you are one deep sleeper." Gus huffed as she picked up the extra blanket Nicole must have kicked off. "Isn't this Waverly's?"

Rubbing at her eyes, Nicole nodded, still slightly dazed. "She let me borrow it for now."

"Well, you best get a move on. Waverly won't tolerate being late. She cannot risk her perfect attendance." Gus's voice was thick with mockery, as if she'd heard it a million times which, having met Waverly, Nicole had no doubt about.

"I'm up." Nicole reached for her backpack, digging out her pills. Looking at the photo sitting on the nightstand, she sighed softly. "I'm up."

* * *

 

Nicole adjusted the bag on her back before taking a deep breath, looking down the hallway of the school. It was one building, much smaller than her old school. She looked over the schedule in her hand and the map in the other, trying to make sense of it.

The weekend had been… strange didn't seem like an adequate enough word. She'd stuck to what was now her room mostly, unpacking, avoiding the others. Wynonna had disappeared through most of the day hours, being dropped off by a red land-yacht of a car as the sun was disappearing below the horizon. Waverly stayed home most of the weekend but she had a friend stop by, a strange nerdy kid that looked like he'd been picked on most of his life. He'd stared at her with big, bright eyes the first time they met.

_Jeremy._

Nicole blew out a large breath of air before returning her attention to the schedule. She had to somehow find her English class that looked like it would be her homeroom on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. _Canadian Geography_ would be Tuesdays and Thursdays.

"What's the damage?"

Nicole looked up to see Waverly standing in front of her, a big grin on her face. "Just your standard new kid in her senior year sort of damage." She'd thought, when Waverly disappeared after dropping her off at the front office, that she was going to fend for herself.

"Sounds like fun. Let me see." Waverly held her hand out, raising her eyebrows when Nicole hesitated.

With a soft sigh, Nicole handed the schedule over. If anything, at least Waverly would be able to point her to her first period.

"Oooo, we have first period together, Calculus, and Physics…" The smile turned into a disgruntled look. "And gym."

Nicole raised an eyebrow at that. "Not a fan of gym?" She wasn't a fan herself. It was usually just a place for stronger kids to pick on the weaker ones.

"I'm fine with gym, I just think it's a waste of time. I mean, I think if you're actually on a team sport, you should get credit for it." Waverly wrinkled her nose. "I'm significantly more active during cheer practice than I ever have been tossing balls back and forth in gym."

Nicole nodded. "Completely understandable." She watched as Waverly's eyes darted over the schedule. "So… we're in a lot of the same classes?"

Waverly nodded absentmindedly. "Yeah. And Jeremy too, but he has clearance from gym so not that." With a shrug, she handed the schedule back over. "It's Purgatory. Pretty much everyone in the same grade are in the same classes… with exception of math and science. We just lucked out, I guess." She smiled brightly.

 _Luck_. Nicole wasn't sure of that yet. She wasn't sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing that she wouldn't have much of a break from the youngest Earp, but she would probably find out.

"Come on." Waverly nodded down the hall. "It's not that far down the hall."

* * *

 

"So… where's this American?"

Waverly rolled her eyes as she sat down between her friends Stephanie and Chrissy. Jeremy sat across from Chrissy who he considered safer. "Calm down, Stephanie. I'm sure she'll be here soon." She peeled the top off her salad and shook the small container of dressing.

"Is it true?" Stephanie asked with a smirk. "That she's a lesbian?"

"Gotta love living in a small town," Waverly commented as she tossed her salad with the small bit of vinaigrette. She'd been friends with the two girls since they were toddlers and Stephanie could be a bit much sometimes.

"Holy shit." Stephanie uttered, her eyes on the doors of the dining hall.

Waverly looked up to see Nicole entering, her auburn waves covered by a red and black toque that matched her flannel shirt, her hands tucked into her jeans pockets.

"Yeah, she just radiates gay."

"I'm pretty sure that's not very PC, Steph," Chrissy spoke up.

Waverly's brows furrowed and she stabbed at her salad as she watched Nicole follow the crowd, getting in line to collect her lunch. "She's actually really nice when you talk to her."

"Sure, in the stoic and solitary kind of way," Jeremy remarked, peeling his orange. "But I guess when you're tall and gorgeous, you can get away with it."

Waverly rolled her eyes. She didn't think Nicole was all that bad. Or maybe it was because she knew the reason behind the withdrawn temperament. She hadn't told Jeremy. She'd learned her lesson that first night and didn't intend on spilling those particular beans. When Nicole looked her way, Waverly waved her over with a smile. It looked like Nicole was going to refuse for a moment before she started heading that way.

"Hey." Nicole smiled in an obligatory way as she sat down in the empty space across from Waverly.

"Nicole, you know Jeremy but this is Stephanie and Chrissy," Waverly pointed her friends out.

Chrissy smiled and waved. "Hi, hi. Wish we could chat, but I have a yearbook meeting."

"Nice meeting you," Nicole commented as she began to pick through the hamburger and fries she'd picked up.

"Nicole, huh?" Stephanie smiled a smile that could best be described as nefarious. "The American lesbian the school is all abuzz about."

Nicole froze, looking from Stephanie to Waverly and back to Stephanie again.

"God, Steph, can you not be an asshole today?" Waverly huffed. "Sorry, Nicole. It's kind of a small town and Steph has a weird habit of perpetuating every bit of garbage she picks up."

"Rude much?" Stephanie snorted.

Nicole returned her attention to her meal, tearing open one of the small packets of ketchup. "That's me. Technically I'm only half American but I'm all gay," she responded with half a smile. Picking up one of the ketchup covered fries, she popped it in her mouth before freezing, her face twisted in disgust. "What the hell is wrong with this ketchup?"

Waverly tilted her head in question.

"It's way too sweet." Nicole wrinkled her nose, offering the small boat of fries to Waverly.

With a shrug, Waverly picked one up and tasted it. It tasted like it always did. "It's fine."

"Yeah something's not right with it." Nicole sighed softly before pulling the soggy leaf of lettuce out of the hamburger, applying a very small bit of ketchup to the bun. "Maybe it's just a Canada thing." She gave Waverly a look with just the corner of her lip curling up. "Probably all the maple syrup."

"Wow, way to perpetuate stereotypes," Waverly commented with a chuckle before jumping as a hand landed on her shoulder.

"Who's the new girl?"A boy plopped down onto the seat beside Waverly that had been emptied by Chrissy, his arm slinging over her neck.

"Ugh, get off me." Waverly shrugged his arm off, pushing away from him slightly. "This is Nicole. Nicole, this is my ex Hardy."

Nicole rose an eyebrow as she ate one of the fries. "Charmed." Her voice was flat and unimpressed, bringing a slight smile to Waverly's lips.

"Sup! Everybody calls me Champ." He nodded his head at her. "Number one steer roper in the town."

"Nicole is from California, Champ. Not a lot of rodeo," Waverly commented, trying not to push him off the bench. She wasn't sure why he was there except to bother the shit out of her.

"Cali huh? You surf, _dude_?" He used a horrible accent you only saw in ridiculous beach movies.

Nicole gave him a tight smile. "Yes actually, but not many waves around here." She looked at Waverly and her smile softened. "Except the Earp variety, that is."

Waverly felt her cheeks growing hot and cleared her throat. "Ha ha." She looked at her ex who was looking at Nicole suspiciously. "Champ, what the hell are you doing here anyway?"

"I just wanted to see you." He leaned closer to Waverly, his attention on her now. "I was just wondering if you wanted to come over after practice…"

Waverly grimaced. "I'm sorry, did you forget that I broke up with you?"

He gave her a confused look. "Wait… You were serious? I thought it was like, that time of the month…"

"Yeah, no. Get the hell out of here." Waverly shook her head.

"What?" Champ blinked in disbelief. "But I thought we could get back to normal.. It's Monday and you know we would always…"

"Don't even finish that sentence," Waverly cut him off. She couldn't believe him. She needed him to just leave before he embarrassed her further. "Just get the hell out of here."

"God, you don't have to be such a bitch about it." Champ growled as he stood up.

It took everything in Waverly not to just punch him in the nuts as he moved away. She felt the sting of embarrassment in her cheeks as she let her eyes drift over to Nicole who was watching Champ leave with a look that was pure poison.

"I don't know why you dumped him, Waves." Stephanie shook her head. "He's so hot."

Waverly cringed. "I just… outgrew him I guess." Scrunching her nose, she looked up to find Nicole watching her. "I guess he's just not my type anymore."

Nicole tilted her head to the side before dropping her gaze back to her lunch.

"Oh Honey… he's everybody's type." Stephanie commented in disbelief.

* * *

 

Nicole sighed as she sat on the bleachers, watching as Waverly and the other cheerleaders practiced on the other side of the gym. There was a time she would have enjoyed the sight, cheerleaders moving to music, flipping through the air… but instead she looked away, taking out her cell phone.

 _I dreamt of you last night._ She sent the text off with a smile. Being in a new school really made her miss her friends back home. As if on queue, her phone began to vibrate with a call. She quickly hit the talk button. "That was super creepy."

 _"Says the person texting me saying they were dreaming about me."_ There was a soft laugh before she turned serious. _"Was it the same dream?"_

Nicole took a shuddered breath. "Yeah." She didn't need to say anything else. That was something she missed about being home. She didn't have to answer questions. No one stepped on eggshells around her because they knew where not to step. "Don't take this the wrong way, but I fucking miss your dumb face, Rosie."

There was a soft sigh that came over the phone. _"That's pretty gay, Red._ " There was a brief pause and what sounded like a sniffle. _"But… I miss you too. It's so quiet around here and I keep bringing too much booze to parties."_

Nicole snorted. "No such thing."

 _"Yeah for alcoholics."_ There was another brief pause before Rosita cleared her throat. _"So, you gonna tell me about your new roomies."_

"Well," Nicole watched as Waverly was tossed into the air easily. "Right now I'm watching one at cheerleading practice."

_"Ooo. A cheerleader? I love cheerleaders. Is she hot? Can you describe the uniform to me? Well fuck actually send me a picture."_

"You're a fucking pervert." Nicole could feel the day's worth of stress beginning to bleed away. "I mean… I guess she's cute, in the way too chipper kind of way." She shrugged as if Rosita could see her. "Maybe more your type - cute, straight, and ready to break your heart. " She didn't want to go into her own type really, because that meant thinking about Shae, and thinking about how right now they'd probably be hanging out in her room back home.

_"Well then definitely send me a pic later. What about the other one?"_

Nicole chuckled. "Wynonna? Definitely rough around the edges. Maybe a complete opposite of Waverly. Definitely some damage there." Blowing out a long breath, Nicole stretched her back a little. "It's so fucking cold here."

Now Rosita laughed. _"It's a nice 87 degrees here. A nice swell came in Sunday morning."_

"Fuck off." Nicole laughed.

 _"I think I might have gotten a sunburn,"_ Rosita continued.

"You don't fucking burn," Nicole snorted.

"Whoa… language Haught."

Nicole jumped as Wynonna plopped down beside her. "God Dammit, Wynonna!"

_"Oooh is that her. She sounds hot. Let me talk to her. "_

"Shut up, Rosie," Nicole huffed. "I'll talk to you later." She didn't wait for a response, just hung up. She knew Rosita wouldn't mind. She was the closest thing to a sister Nicole had.

"You don't have to hang up for me,." Wynonna commented as she leaned back on the bleacher behind them, her eyes on the cheerleaders. "You spying on my sister?"

Nicole rolled her eyes. "She's the one driving us home," she answered matter-of-factly.

"And how was your first day of school?"

Nicole snorted. "New place, same shit." She toyed with the edge of her phone before slipping it into her pocket. "What are you doing here, anyway? You don't even go here anymore."

"Maybe I just came to watch my baby sister?" Wynonna's gaze wasn't on Waverly tho. Instead she was eyeing up the girl that looked like she was consulting with the cheerleading coach.

Nicole had watched the older girl as she began to help with the choreography. "Who's the girl?"

"What girl?" Wynonna pulled a flask out of her pocket and took a quick pull from it, not even caring that they were in a school gym.

"Tall, dark, and smokin'...if you're into the goth scene of course." Nicole leaned back against the bleacher as well. She was glad for the interruption and distraction. As much as she loved hearing from and talking to her best friend, it was the bridge that took her back to Shae and to the place she was before. "Ex girlfriend?"

"What?" Wynonna scoffed. "God no. Her and her perfect skin and amazing dancing skills…" She cleared her throat. "She's the ex of someone I…" She waggered her hand in the air, "am friends with?"

"Friends?" Nicole gave her a wry look.

"Look… some friends you go shoplifting with, and some friends you…," she took another sip from her flask, "get naked and bump pelvises with."

Nicole cringed. "Ew. Straight people," she said under her breath as she shook her head.

"Hey now…" Wynonna glared at her. "Watch who you're calling straight," she scoffed, standing up to stretch her back out. "Waverly's probably the straightest one in the house."

Looking over at the youngest Earp, Nicole pursed her lips.

"I need a ride back to the homestead, but I can't take this high school shit anymore. I'm gonna go pass out in Waverly's jeep," Wynonna huffed.

Watching her slip away, Nicole just shook her head before looking out towards the cheerleaders. She'd thought she felt something not-so-straight coming from Waverly over the weekend, and definitely during lunch, but maybe she'd been wrong. After all, her spidey senses weren't really in top shape these days.

* * *

 

Wynonna hummed softly to herself as she looked through the carton of records. All through dinner she kept thinking too much about the argument she'd had earlier that day with Henry. Their on again off again thing was starting to piss her off and while she knew it was mostly her fault, she really wanted to punch him in the face.

"She was really pretty." Waverly was sitting on the floor of the basement, staring at her cell phone.

Wynonna looked up from the stack. "Who?"

Waverly pursed her lips, her face illuminated by the light of her phone screen. "Nicole's girlfriend. The one that…" She let her voice trail off. "I guess her name was Shae."

Wynonna lost all interest in the records, scooting next to Waverly on the basement floor. "Are we stalking Nicole? I'm not against it but normally you are."

"I'm not stalking her!"

Wynonna looked at Waverly through the corner of her eye, trying not to laugh. "Ok, Baby Girl." She focused on the phone instead, seeing the girl with darker skin in a variety of photos wrapped around... "Damn. That's Nicole? She looks completely different."

Waverly nodded. "Totally. I mean… she looks the same, just… happy."

"Well I guess she's got a type."

Waverly sighed, scrolling down the photo feed. "What do you mean?"

"Well…" Wynonna shrugged. "Just something she said earlier today, about Kate."

"Henry's ex?" Waverly's brow furrowed. "Like you think she likes her?"

"She said she was hot, in that angsty goth way."

"Oh I bet that went over well." Waverly laughed, but it sounded a little empty. "I mean, she is kind of gorgeous…"

Wynonna rolled her eyes. "Whatever…" She looked at the screen as Waverly seemed to have stopped on one photo.

This wasn't the Nicole that lived with them. Gone were the sunken cheeks and dark circles. In it, Nicole was in a bikini top and shorts, her wet auburn hair that was much longer was half draping in her face as she had a smile on her face that reflected... genuine happiness.

"Nicole looks… really happy here."

"They probably just had sex," Wynonna joked crudely. The look Waverly gave her could no doubt kill someone at 20 paces and Wynonna physically leaned away. "Or they're just happy..."

Waverly looked back at the phone, a troubled look on her face.

Wynonna had to raise an eyebrow as she tilted her head, a suspicious look taking over. "Why are you so interested in Nicole's girlfriend, anyway?" The conversation she'd had with Nicole was still fresh in her mind.

"What?" Waverly looked up quickly, her eyes filled with guilt. But what was the look for, Wynonna had to wonder. Guilt for prying. Guilt for something secret? Something she wasn't able to admit? "I'm not," Waverly responded with indignance as she huffed, moving to close the app and freezing suddenly. "Oh my god." Waverly looked down at her phone in horror.

"What?" Wynonna looked over to see a bright red heart under the photo. She barked out an obnoxious laugh. She wanted to say she'd never done the same, but she'd stalked enough social media in her life. "Nothing like getting notifications for photos that are a year old."

Guilt turned to horror on Waverly's face. "She's going to know I was going through her photos." Out of panic, Waverly quickly unliked the photo, as if she could take back the last 30 seconds.

"What? No! She'll still get the notification. She's going to know you were trying to stalk her secretly now…"

"Shit!" Waverly quickly liked it again.

Wynonna rolled her eyes, snatching the phone away from Waverly. Her sister was such a flustered mess at the moment. "You… are the worst at cyber stalking." With an upwards flick, she closed out the app. "Well, maybe she doesn't have notifications turned on, you never know," she commented as she tossed Waverly the phone.

Waverly looked nervously at the stairs as if expecting Nicole to come running down the stairs to yell at her.

" _Waverly's probably the straightest one in the house."_ Wynonna's own voice echoed through her mind as she watched her sister fidgeting nervously, eyes darting from her phone to the stairs and back to her phone. Wynonna hummed to herself as she returned her attention to the records, filing the information away for later.


	5. Darkness Keeps Chasing Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicole learns that the darkness she thought she'd left behind, would keep following her. But even in Purgatory, she doesn't have to suffer alone. TW:Anxiety, Panic Attack, drug use

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to JayBear1701 for yelling "You can't end the chapter there!"

**_The companion song for this is[Darkness Keeps Chasing Me - Grace Vanderwaal.](https://open.spotify.com/track/3P19NoMAGg72XG22EOf4zm)_ **

 

It had been a long week of getting used to everything. Nicole had learned quickly who to avoid, which involved mostly Waverly's ex and his posse of idiots. Even Waverly's friend Stephanie was a little borderline on the avoid-o-meter.

It hadn't been too bad of a week, but when Friday came along, there was something different. Nicole knew something was wrong from the moment she woke up, but she couldn't put her finger on it. It started with a feeling in the back of her throat, or maybe her sinuses, as if she could feel tears forming but refusing to surface. She wasn't particularly sad, no more than she normally felt, but that day, it seemed to accompany a strange cloud that lingered in the background of her mind.

It wasn't until she was at school that the feeling began to catch up to her. A tingle began in her body, running just under her skin like a wave of energy that her body couldn't absorb. She was in calculus when she lost her ability to focus. Her thumb began to tap the desk, as if she was trying to bleed the energy out of her system through micro-movements. But her thumb tapping wasn't enough. Soon her foot was shaking when that feeling came back to her sinuses.

The teacher droned with her lecture, her projector shining against the pull-down screen as she showed the class through math problems that were the least of Nicole's worries, as if she could concentrate on her voice. It was noise, loud and echoing and piling onto the energy she felt.

Nicole flexed her hand, making a fist and feeling each knuckle clicking softly beneath the surface. She felt the way her skin stretched across her hand and the pain she always felt when she clenched her fist too tight. She could feel the pull on her wrists as she took deeper breaths, attempting to calm the trembling that had started.

Her eyes darted around to see if anyone had noticed and she sat up a little straighter, one hand gripping the edge of the desk. No one in the class even cared about her anyway. She was just that new kid that filled the empty desk that was in the back of the room. That girl that was such a failure she couldn't even kill herself correctly. If anyone was watching her, she knew they were only doing it to see if she slipped up, to gather ammo to use against her somehow.

Despite her best attempts, she was alive and sitting in class learning bullshit she would never use in the future. What was even the point?

Her teeth began to chatter when she wasn't even cold.

"Nicole?" Waverly's voice broke through the noise. It was a whisper in the cacophony of commotion happening in her mind but it was crystal clear.

Of course if anyone would notice, it would be Waverly. _Why not just be a freak in front of the one person you see the most in the day?_ She swallowed audibly, feeling an itch starting on both forearms. She wanted to respond to Waverly, to tell her she was totally fine, but the words couldn't form in her mouth. Instead she clenched her teeth, feeling each of the tensing muscles in her jaw. She felt her sinuses overreacting.

"Nicole?" Waverly's voice was clearer, louder as if she had come closer.

Nicole reached up to wipe away the tears that suddenly began to slide down her cheeks and that was when she noticed the eyes on her. She'd drawn the attention of several people around her, or maybe Waverly had by calling her name.

Nicole didn't remember standing, frozen in the middle of calculus as she drew the eyes of the entire class and finally the teacher. She didn't wait for the laughter, or the whispers she knew would come, but she was running out the door, hearing her name in her teacher's voice calling after her.

The bathroom was bright, too bright, and she locked herself in the handicap stall. She was taking deep breaths but she felt like she couldn't breathe. Her skin felt hot, like it was blistering, and she pressed her cheek to the cool tile, willing herself to absorb it.

She was such a mess, a problem that was passed from person to person like she couldn't be trusted with herself. Of course she couldn't be. She swiped angrily at her eyes.

She didn't hear the bathroom door opening until a voice echoed. "Nicole?"

 _Fuck!_ Nicole closed her eyes, trying to control her breathing. She heard the footsteps approach the stall she was in and she willed Waverly to just leave.

"Nicole. Open the door."

"I'm fine." Nicole winced as her voice came out almost like a whimper. She cleared her throat. "I'm fine."

"Open the door, Nicole." Waverly's voice was stern and Nicole found her hand moving without her permission.

Waverly stepped into the bathroom stall and closed the door again.

Nicole moved to the far wall away from her, trying to hide her face. "I'm fine." Her voice was a little stronger, but still there was a waiver to it. "I'm fine." She repeated, even when it felt like anything but.

"No you're not. You're having a panic attack." Waverly hung what Nicole recognized as her own bag on the hook on the back of the door. "Where are your pills?"

"What?" Nicole blinked, her brain not really wrapping around what Waverly was saying. She just wanted to be alone. She just wanted it to be quiet and to feel the cold of the tiles against her skin.

"Just breathe, Nicole." Waverly began to breathe loudly and began rooting through Nicole's bag.

She didn't need to be told to breathe, Nicole thought. She was already breathing quickly, trying to pull enough oxygen into her body. Seeing Waverly going through her bag, Nicole wanted to protest. There were definitely things that were private in her bag.

"I want you to take longer breaths, Nicole." Waverly spoke calmly. "Not short breaths." She found the collection of pills in Nicole's bag, looking at the labels. "Do me a favor and take a slow, deep breath and hold it." Her eyes looked up and found Nicole's watching her incredulously. "Come on, Nicole. Just take one slow, deep breath and hold it." She demonstrated with her own breath, raising her eyebrows expectedly.

Nicole knew Waverly wouldn't leave her alone until she obeyed. "Fine," she huffed before doing as Waverly said, taking one long and shuddered breath, feeling her lungs filling completely.

"Ok, now hold it," Waverly said as she returned the bottles to Nicole's bag, keeping one out.

Nicole felt like her chest was going to explode, but still she held her breath. Her chest got tight and she felt like she couldn't hold it any longer.

"OK, exhale slowly," Waverly finally said as she unscrewed a bottle of water.

Nicole exhaled probably faster than Waverly wanted. "Ok there, happy?"

"No." Waverly held up a bottle. "Take one."

Nicole shook her head. "It's too early. I have…" She looked at her wrist, "another two hours."

"You're having a panic attack, and I need you to take one of these now." Waverly's voice was soft, but firm.

"They make me sleepy if I take them too close together," Nicole complained. Waverly didn't understand. How could she? She was perfect. She didn't have a fucked up brain.

"I know, but sleepy is better than what you're feeling now." Waverly reached down and took Nicole's hand and tucked the bottle of pills into it. "Take it and I'll drive you home."

Nicole sniffled, the tears still streaming down her cheeks despite her insisting she was fine. She tried to unscrew the cap of the pills but her hands weren't cooperating. Her grip failed her as her hand trembled.

Waverly gently took the bottle, unscrewing the cap. "The label says take 1 to 3, how many do you take?"

"Two."

Waverly nodded, shaking out one pill before closing the bottle. "Ok, here you go."

"Waverly, I don't…"

"Take it," Waverly said sternly, offering her bottle of water to Nicole.

Nicole did as she was told, wincing at the bitter taste the pill left on her tongue. It took everything in her not to vomit the pill back up. "There. Happy?"

"Of course not." Waverly returned the bottle to Nicole's bag before sighing softly. "But, on the plus side, you give me a reason to play hookey for the rest of the day." She smiled softly. "Take another deep breath for me."

Again Nicole did as she was told, taking a slow breath. It took another few breaths before she was hit with a wave of lethargy. The energy that had been radiating through her body began to fizzle into nothingness. Her hand was still shaking as she ran it through her hair, trying to settle it. She wiped her tears away with the sleeve of her flannel. "Shit," she finally said, her voice quiet but no longer shaking. "I'm sorry." She felt like an idiot.

Waverly, however, didn't seem phased. "Nothing to be sorry for." She reached out and pushed a lock of auburn hair behind Nicole's ear before she blinked and pulled her hand back. "Sorry. Come on. Let's go get a pass from the nurse."

Nicole felt heaviness in her limbs as she stepped out of the stall and moved to the sink. Looking at her reflection, she winced at her puffy and red eyes. "I think I just upped my freak status," she commented, leaning forward to splash water on her face. It was so much colder than she thought it would be and she gasped in surprise.

"Don't worry about that." Waverly retrieved some paper towels and offered them to Nicole.

Drying her face, Nicole sighed loudly. How could she not worry?

"Hey." Waverly put her hand on Nicole's shoulder. "It's going to be ok. Come on."

She didn't feel like it would be okay. In fact, she didn't feel like it would ever be okay, but looking into hazel eyes watching her closely... Waverly had a small smile that was warm and strangely understanding. She felt her body relaxing under the small comfort and she couldn't help wondering how the hell Waverly did that.

* * *

 

"How did you know I was on medication?"

Waverly looked up from the stack of records she was rooting through. Wynonna had rearranged everything and she was having trouble finding her favorite vinyl. "Deductive reasoning?" She offered with a smirk.

"What was there to deduce?" Nicole asked from the couch, her long frame taking up two-thirds of the space, her legs draping over one arm.

"Well, not to be insensitive, but considering everything I know about you, it was the most likely deduction." With a soft sigh, Waverly settled on an album, setting it on the record player with expert ease. "And I've seen you take them a few times."

Nicole snorted at that. "And here I thought I was being discreet." She tapped her toes in the air. "And the panic attack stuff?"

Etta James began to softly pour from the speakers as Waverly grabbed a small box and sitting down on the open space of the couch. "Let's just say I'm… not a stranger to anxiety." She didn't want to go further into it, how she'd had a lot of trouble dealing with the last time Wynonna left in the middle of the night. She looked at Nicole, who had grown quiet, and was about to say something when Nicole spoke.

"So… How did you end up dating Champ?"

That was the last thing Waverly expected and she laughed. "Oh geez. Well when I joined the cheerleading squad, I guess it pinged his interest, because of course that's all it takes." Waverly pursed her lips, remembering how quickly that had happened. "One day I was at practice and he was sitting on the bleachers and he held up a sign that said, Will you be my girlfriend?" She couldn't believe it had been as simple as that.

Nicole tipped her head back to look at her. "That's it?"

"Well, I was an impressionable teenager and he's one of the more popular guys in school." She felt her cheeks growing warm with embarrassment.

"That is so… 90's teen romcom."

Waverly laughed. "Yeah, well only if he's the douchebag bully that the main character dumps before finding her true love." She didn't want to think too much about it. She blew out a long sigh. "But, at least that particular movie is over."

"Does that mean you're not an impressionable teenager anymore?"

Waverly looked down at the box in her hand, her fingers picking at the edge. "Maybe not so much impressionable as… open to suggestions."

Nicole snorted. "I suppose that's an upgrade. However, not many people actually find their true love in high school," she commented before going silent.

Waverly looked to her side to see Nicole staring off at the ceiling, her thumb beginning to tap against the couch. She took it as a sign of re-emerging anxiety as they dwelled on the topic of high school relationships and decided to derail that train before it could leave the station. "Ok, I need to ask you a really serious question that I've been dying to ask you since we first met."

Nicole's eyes shifted, looking up at her. "Well… I didn't think I needed to explain but… yes… I am a lesbian."

Waverly froze, not exactly sure what to say until Nicole's mouth curled into a slight smile. "Asshole." Waverly shook her head. "Now I don't even want to ask."

Nicole laughed. It was a soft chuckle, but Waverly felt a slight warmth growing inside her. It was the first time she'd heard a real, honest laugh from her. "I'm sorry. What did you want to ask?"

Waverly thought about continuing the faux argument, but instead lifted the box in her hand. "Nicole Haught… would you like to smoke with me?"

Nicole rose an eyebrow, her lips pursing as she looked like she was trying to find the right words. "That… is nowhere near what I thought you were going to ask."

"Well, I like to keep you on your toes."

Nicole took a moment to roll over and sit up, folding her legs under her on the couch and running a hand through her auburn waves, Waverly opened the box and took a minute to choose between a few small baggies and pulled out a silver cylinder which she revealed to be a grinder. "You're going to smoke weed? In your basement?" She looked up at the basement door and back to Waverly. "What about Gus?"

Waverly laughed. "When Wynonna was a little younger, she would get in a LOT of trouble." She went through the process of grinding the weed into small bits, making it easier to load the glass pipe she pulled out. "Gus finally gave in and said, if we were going to get drunk or high, she'd rather we did it at home where it was safe and Gus wouldn't have to bail us out of jail."

Nicole looked like she didn't believe her.

"Wyn is usually the defiant one, Nicole, not me." Waverly pulled a lighter out before setting the box on the floor. "I'm not pressuring you or anything, but this strain is called White Fire. It's a hybrid, a little high on the THC but it's really great at fighting anxiety."

"You planning on being a weed specialist in the future?"

Waverly rolled her eyes. "Of course not, I just like to appreciate the more… natural things in life." She didn't waste any time before bringing the lighter to the bowl of the pipe, puffing once to get the embers started before easily breathing in the smooth, thick smoke. She held the breath in, feeling her lungs beginning to tighten before she exhaled.

Nicole licked her lips as she watched, seeming really uncertain. "You have the weirdest rules around here."

Waverly coughed out a laugh. "No peer pressure, Nicole." Already she could feel the wave of calm flowing through her, seeping into her limbs, a tingle just under the skin of her fingertips. When Nicole reached out for the pipe, she placed it in her hand. Where their fingers brushed, she felt that tingle spread.

 _90s teen romcom indeed,_ Waverly thought, handing over the lighter as well. _Shit._


	6. Across the Universe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wynonna thinks Nicole needs a little bit of socialization, but will a party bring more strife than joy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to Jaybear1701. Always a rockstar. This chapter gets a bit... much. Sorry. But also not sorry. I like breaking things. I'm horrible. TW: Mention of Suicide; Anxiety; Heavy alcohol use; Abortion

**_**Companion song:[Across the Universe (Fiona Apple Cover)](https://open.spotify.com/track/6ZQgooEk8PvsLxedYaT6Oa)**_ **

 

"Are you going to tell him?"

Wynonna stared out the window, watching as the world skimmed by. She hated this town and the town hated her. "No." Unfortunately, it would always be home because it's where Waverly was.

There was a soft sigh as the SUV continued out of town, heading towards Gus's property.

Wynonna reached up to trace a path of water dripping down a window, trying not to think about the cramping, or… "It's better he not know. You know Henry. He'll probably cry or some bullshit like that." She didn't want to think about it. She needed to just lock it away. 

"And you don't think you should have…"

"No." Wynonna looked at Xavier who was behind the wheel. "Telling him would destroy him. It would literally kill him." She'd known as unfair as it was to Xavier, he would help her. He was always the most dependable of her tiny circle. She might even consider him a friend at that point, even if it was just because he was in love with her.

"It's your choice," Xavier finally said, returning his eyes to the road.

"My choice," Wynonna repeated. As they coursed down the road, Wynonna was relieved to finally see the shape of the house they'd lived in since… that night. Choice was such a bullshit word. There was no choice really. Two forms of birth control and fate still felt like fucking with her. 

As the SUV came to a stop, Wynonna put on the smile she'd been practicing, turning to Xavier. "Thanks X, you're a lifesaver." She opened the door and hopped out, turning back to him again. "You should come over Friday night. I'm gonna have a party."

"Do you really think you should?"

Wynonna rolled her eyes. "I'm fine. I just need to drink… a lot."

Xavier nodded. "What time?"

With a snort, Wynonna pulled her phone out of her pocket, swiping away a text from Henry. She was definitely not ready to see him. "I'll text you. It'll probably be 7ish but I need to convince Waves first."

Xavier nodded again. "Ok. Get some rest. Take your antibiotics."

"Thanks, Mom," Wynonna called out before shutting the door. She made sure she had her bag on her as she made her way up the front stairs. Gus was thankfully gone, probably getting supplies to prepare for her upcoming trip.

Waverly's Jeep was parked out front but when Wynonna entered the house, she only saw Nicole, sitting at the dining room table which surprised her. Over the last few weeks, it was rare that Nicole and Waverly were separate, which she found strange. Waverly had never been one to stay home all the time. At first, Wynonna had attributed it to the breakup with Champ and their overlapping circles. It wasn't until that one afternoon she smelt weed coming from downstairs that the sight she was greeted with made her think otherwise.

* * *

 

_"Is this really your hair color?"_

_Wynonna stopped mid-stair at the scene she saw before her. She'd only swung by home to switch shoes when a familiar smell had brought her to the basement door. It was still early afternoon and she did not expect to see her sister sitting on the couch with Nicole's head resting on her thigh as she ran her fingers through auburn hair._

_"Unfortunately," Nicole answered slowly, her toes tapping to the soft music that poured from the speakers connected to the record player._

_"What in gay shit is going on here?" Wynonna asked as she walked over to the couch._

_"Hey Earp," Nicole spoke in a slurred speech, on the verge of passing out._

_"Shouldn't you two be in school?"_

_Waverly chuckled. "She had a panic attack earlier. so I drove her home."_

_"Man panic attacks are the worst." Wynonna picked the box up, looking at the diminished supplies. "Good choice of strains." A thought occurred to her as she looked at her sister who was way too high and seemed to be studying Nicole's face. It took her a minute to register what Waverly had said. "You drove her home? What about your perfect attendance?"_

_Waverly shrugged. "It's fine. I mean… I'm sure my college app is padded enough."_

_Wynonna blinked in disbelief at Waverly's nonchalance. From what Gus had told her, Waverly had kept her attendance spotless and now she was willing to give it up that easily? Just another thing she filed away for later._

* * *

 

"You know what you need, Haught?"

Nicole sighed softly, looking up from her text book. Wynonna had an excited look on her face and one of the things she'd learned over the past few weeks was that when Wynonna was excited about something, it was probably going to be chaos. "What's that, Earp?"

Wynonna slung her arm over Nicole's shoulder, leaning closer and whispering, "A house party."

Nicole sighed again. That was the last thing she wanted. In the past few weeks, school had been… strained to say the least, after her panic attack. While she'd managed to ignore most of the negativity, a party would be inviting that negativity into her after-school life. But parties weren't always bad. She didn't want to be around a lot of people, but she could really use a drink. "Aren't you a little old for house parties?"

"Haha." Wynonna removed her arm before slugging Nicole on the shoulder. "Funny. You're a real riot. Well let me tell you something about Purgatory, Cali-girl. In Purgatory, you're never too old for a house party."

Nicole winced as she rubbed her shoulder. "Sounds…" She wasn't even sure how it sounded.

"You don't have to say it, I can see the excitement in your eyes." Wynonna slapped the top of the table. "Gus is out of town this weekend with her _annual tomatuh festival_ ," she mocked Gus's accent. "So we've been tasked with, you know, protecting the house, protecting Waverly's chastity, making sure you don't off yourself…"

"I'm pretty sure Waverly is old enough to watch herself." Nicole refused to be baited.

"You're killin me, Smalls." Wynonna looked up as Waverly entered with her own stack of books. "Help me out here, Waves."

Waverly rose an eyebrow. "Experience tells me I should take Nicole's side on this." She sat down at the table beside Nicole, beginning to spread out her books in preparation for their study session, a habit they'd formed the second week of school together. After all, it made sense. They had almost all the same classes.

"So you don't want a party this weekend?"

Now, Waverly pursed her lips, looking from Nicole to Wynonna.

"See!" Wynonna laughed as she moved over and threw her arm around Waverly's shoulders. "Waverly has the true spirit of an Earp."

"I mean…" Waverly toyed with a pencil between her fingers. "I do feel like since I broke up with Champ, I've been a little isolated."

"Excellent. Hop onboard the hype train, Haught."

Nicole sighed, looking at Waverly who was watching her with an amused look. "I guess."

"Fuck yes." Wynonna yelled as she left the room, heading upstairs without another word.

Waverly seemed to be watching her closely. "Are you sure you're going to be ok?"

Nicole gave her a tight-lipped smile. "Well… I guess we'll see. I really need a drink and the people… well I can just hide in my room if it gets too much." When Waverly began going through her homework, Nicole felt a ball of anxiety beginning to form in her belly.

* * *

 

Nicole looked around the crowded house, trying not to let anxiety get to her. It hadn't worsened, but it hadn't gotten any better.

"What are you doing?" Waverly suddenly popped up, drink in hand.

"Just… observing." Nicole took a sip from the cup in her own hand. It wasn't too bad for a high school party.

"You're brooding."

Nicole rose an eyebrow. "I don't brood." Somehow, Waverly's sunny presence was comforting and Nicole felt herself beginning to relax. "I'm just a fan of watching."

Waverly laughed at that. "Ok. If you want to watch, you can at least be comfortable." She reached down and grabbed Nicole's free hand, beginning to pull her through the crowd.

Looking down at their joint hands, Nicole allowed herself to be pulled forward. She could have easily stood her ground, could have resisted, but she couldn't find a reason to. She was surprised as she was pushed down onto the couch and Waverly sat down beside her.

Nicole noticed that Waverly was like a beacon - a strong light drawing in her friends that appeared one by one, plopping down on the chairs, or on the floor until it seemed like they were surrounded by what felt like half the party.

"All right bitches!" Wynonna kicked a chair over to the coffee table, her hands filled with glasses and a new bottle. "Time to have some fun."

"Oh no." Waverly gave Nicole a look.

Nicole didn't move from her position, instead she took a sip of beer. "What's on your mind, Elder Earp?" She could already feel a light buzz going and she was comfortable.

"I say we play a game." Wynonna plopped down into a chair and began setting out shot glasses. "Nerd, get in here." Wynonna pointed at Jeremy as he was about to run away. "Henry, Bitchy Blonde," Wynonna slid a shot glass over to Stephanie. "Haught pants, Baby Girl." Glasses found homes to as many people could fit around the coffee table.

"Not playing, X?" Waverly called over to Xavier who was lingering always in the background, sipping from a bottle of water.

"Designated driver." Was all he said with a shrug.

Nicole sighed as she turned to face the coffee table. "Okay… what are we playing." So much for staying under the radar.

"Never have I ever," Wynonna declared, getting a round of groans. "Oh believe me, it's a lot safer than truth or dare. Ask Henry." She gave him a wink.

Everyone wanted to ask, but it was Jeremy who broke the silent taboo, "What happened to Henry?"

Wynonna laughed, but didn't answer.

As if he knew just explaining wouldn't do it justice, Henry tugged his shirt up, revealing a silver barbell that went through his right nipple.

"Nope." Waverly shook her head. "Just nope."

Chrissy was about to reach out to touch it until Waverly captured her wrist with a shake of her head and Henry lowered his shirt.

Nicole had to laugh at that. "Not a fan of nipple piercings?"

Waverly shook her head. "Nope. Just nope." She crossed her arms over her chest before freezing, turning to look at Nicole. "Why? Is it something you've…"

Nicole cleared her throat,having learned that Waverly's curiosity was immeasurable and would often take over and drive her crazy. Instead of answering, she turned to Wynonna. "So, Never Have I Ever…"

"Everyone knows the rules, but let's go over them for the nerds." Wynonna poured herself a shot just to have one. "We go around the table. One person says something they've never done, and if anyone else has done it, they take a shot. I'll start." With a smirk, she spoke, "Never have I ever gotten straight A's in a quarter."

"Asshole." Waverly laughed, setting her shot glass on the table. She was joined by Jeremy and Nicole almost laughed at the look Waverly gave her when she set her own glass down.

"What? I used to be a brainiac…" Nicole lifted her glass, mentally preparing herself for the shot. "Until I discovered alcohol and sex," she said before drinking the shot. She tried not to laugh as Waverly began coughing up her shot, her face turning bright red. Nicole reached out and gently pat her on the back.

"Well, this is going to be fun." Wynonna rubbed her hands together as she handed the bottle to Jeremy.

"Oh." He looked around in surprise before his face screwed up seriously. He looked like he was trying to conjure an entire army of dark spirits or something nerdy like that before Wynonna gently kicked him. "Okay okay. Never have I ever…" Jeremy paused, his cheeks coloring a bright red, "kissed a boy."

There was a groan as most of the glasses hit the table. Nicole knew her own glass would have probably been the most surprising if it weren't for Henry's glass sliding towards Jeremy. Jeremy's eyes grew twice as big as he stumbled with the bottle of liquor, beginning to fill the shot glasses.

"Something you wanna tell us, Hank?" Wynonna commented with a smirk.

Henry retrieved his filled shot glass with a shrug. "A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell," he commented before swallowing the shot.

They continued around the group once, each turn getting equal amounts of groans and laughter. They'd each had a sufficient amount of alcohol in their system as they began the second round.

It was her turn again as Waverly hummed softly to herself. She tapped her lips, obviously trying to think of something good that hadn't already been said.

"Never have I ever seen such a bigger waste of time," Wynonna commented, nudging Waverly with the tip of her boot.

"Okay okay." Waverly's eyes came up to meet Nicole's before quickly moving away. "Never have I ever kissed a girl in a more-than-friends way."

"Well fuck me." Wynonna sighed heavily as she set her shot glass on the table.

Nicole set her own down, a small spike of curiosity flowing through her as Waverly's eyes kept darting to her and quickly away.

Henry put his glass down and looked at Jeremy.

"Thankfully not me." Jeremy shook his head. Although he'd only had one shot, being so obviously the most innocent of the group, he was still a little more than buzzed. He didn't drink often.

Chrissy set her shot glass down and everyone looked at her. "What? Shit happens when you drink too much." She chuckled.

"Why Chrissy Nedley... as I live and breathe." Waverly laughed as she dished out the shots.

Nicole couldn't help laughing as she retrieved her glass. She was feeling significantly more relaxed and was starting to enjoy the night.

That is, until it came to Stephanie's turn for a second time.

The night had been going a little too smoothly until Stephanie, who'd obviously drank too much, lifted the bottle and pretended to think. Her smirk was thick with malice as she looked across the table directly at Nicole. "Never have I ever wanted to kill myself"

It was as if time slowed down, everyone at the table frozen in a moment of disbelief.

Surprisingly, Wynonna leaned forward to speak. "What the…" Her voice trailed off as Nicole set her shot glass on the table, one eyebrow twitching up in challenge.

Stephanie seemed to find glee in it as she began to fill up the shot glass.

Another clink made the group jump as a second glass hit the table, sliding towards Nicole's.

Nicole barely heard the gasps that went around the room as she followed the path the glass came from, her eyes locking with Waverly's. She froze, not sure if she should say something, or if Waverly even wanted her to say anything. She'd known for a while there was a sadness behind those eyes, but they'd never talked about it.

After a second, Waverly broke the eye contact and looked at Stephanie who seemed frozen in place. "Well, what are you waiting for? Fill it up."

There was another clink, and Wynonna pushed her glass towards the middle, looking at no one but Stephanie with venom in her gaze.

Suddenly there was a fourth glass, then a fifth, then a sixth and Nicole felt her eyes burning with unshed tears. She looked around to see familiar somber faces, each person willing to bring their demons to the surface at that moment.

To her credit, Stephanie didn't dare say anything as she filled the collection of glasses on the table.

Everyone retrieved theirs before Nicole but didn't drink, as if waiting for her to take the lead, each of their glasses filled with the guilt that was too hard to swallow. Nicole lifted her own glass and stared at Stephanie before quickly knocking the shot back.

Without saying anything else, Nicole set the glass down, stood up, and walked away from the table.

* * *

 

"What the fuck, Stephanie?" Waverly turned to her friend. She couldn't believe the girl would be so cruel.

"What?" Stephanie asked in defense. "It's just a game, Waves."

"If you seriously don't see what you did wrong, you need to get the fuck out of my house." Waverly pushed up from her seat, ignoring the shocked silence around her and walking off in the direction Nicole had disappeared. She went from room to room on the ground floor, regretting inviting as many people as had shown up. She'd thought she'd seen Nicole go into the kitchen but when she got there it was empty.

Turning to leave, she didn't expect to run straight into Wynonna.

Wynonna's eyes scanned the room quickly before settling on Waverly.

"Wynonna, I'm trying to find…" Waverly was cut off as Wynonna pulled her into a hug. She froze.

It seemed like forever until Wynonna pushed back, looking in her eyes. "You're the most important person in the world to me. I just wanted to make sure you know that."

After a long moment, Waverly nodded. "I know, Wynonna."

Shifting uncomfortably, Wynonna quickly kissed Waverly on the forehead and pushed her away. "I need a damn beer."

Watching her walk away, Waverly smiled before returning to her search. Not finding her anywhere downstairs, Waverly wound her way between the people to get upstairs. She was about to head towards Nicole's room when she felt a draft coming from under the closed door. Furrowing her brow, she opened the door to find the room empty. On the wall opposite the door, the window was wide open, letting in a gust from outside. "What the…" Rubbing her arms, she moved across the room. "Nicole?"

* * *

 

Nicole sighed softly as she tucked the bottle of vodka into her pocket, lifting the window open. A gust of cold air poured in and Nicole was glad she was wearing thermals under her clothes and coat. Ever so carefully, she stepped out onto the roof, making sure her boots wouldn't slip on the shingles.

The music from down below seemed to shake the house slightly, but with no neighbors for miles, it didn't matter much. Apparently the Earp girls knew a LOT of people, Nicole mused as she took a seat on the roof and pulled out the bottle of vodka, trying not to think too much about the game before.

Maybe she'd gotten used to the cold a little, but she swore it didn't bother her quite as much anymore. Taking a swig from her bottle, she looked up at the stars. She'd spent many nights under the stars back home and it was so strange for the stars to not be where they were supposed to be. Not only that, but there were so many more stars. Back home, the light pollution made it difficult to see more than the larger stars, even in the desert.

But here, on the roof of Gus's house, she could easily see an endless amount of shining pinpoints of light . She could almost see the ribbons of colors wrapped around and defining galaxies, or maybe she was imagining it. Was Shae somewhere up there, between the earth and infinity?

Her parents hadn't raised her to be religious, so she wasn't sure about the afterlife - if there was an afterlife at all. She couldn't imagine heaven or hell, but she knew her dreams were haunted by Shae's presence. She had to wonder if it was helping or making things worse. Either way, she couldn't imagine her life without Shae, even if it meant just in her dreams.

Swallowing another mouthful of vodka, she looked down at one arm, her hand pulling back the sleeves slowly, revealing marred flesh inch by inch. She could still feel it, the pull that came from within, tempting her with promises of peace. It was a strange feeling, knowing that a handful of pills a few times a day was the only thing helping her resist the voice. But now, it was like the idiotic game played by children was almost enough to break the dam of control she'd maintained.

Nicole's mind took her back to that night, when the grief had taken over. She remembered watching her lifeforce escaping her body. She'd never thought that much blood would look like that, the way the color had flecks of texture, not unlike the way metallic paint shined in the light. It was almost as if she could see the red and white blood cells spreading across the desk, watering down as it began to mix with the bottle of vodka she'd dropped when she lost strength in her hands.

"Nicole?"

Pulling her sleeves back into place, Nicole wiped away the tears she hadn't realized had streaked down her cheeks before looking towards the window.

Waverly's head popped out the window, looking around before curious eyes settled on Nicole. "Oh, you're out here…" She let her voice trail off, whether from not knowing what to say or the cold, Nicole couldn't be sure but she saw the girl wrinkle her nose, beginning to rub at her arms to fight the chill.

Nicole nodded. "Yeah, I just needed to get away from the crowd for a few," she said, as if Waverly hadn't been there, witnessing everything that had happened..

"Oh, okay." Waverly paused for a second before disappearing back into the room.

Waverly was so strange sometimes, Nicole thought as she took a drink. And yet, she wondered if she'd been a bit rude, going over her response. It wasn't rude to want peace was it? Did Waverly think Nicole was trying to get away from her to avoid talking about what had happened? That wasn't it at all.

Nicole sighed. It was just another thing she would probably have to apologize for later. Whenever she saw Waverly again. Which came a lot sooner than she thought as she heard a noise at the window and saw Waverly squirming out, this time dressed in more suitable clothes, a blanket in one hand, and a thermos in the other.

"Here, take this." Waverly didn't give Nicole a chance to protest before she handed her the thermos, shaking out the blanket and taking a seat next to Nicole.

Nicole rose an eyebrow as she handed the thermos back. "Hello."

"Hi," Waverly responded simply, uncapping the thermos and pouring the steaming liquid into the cover before handing it to Nicole, who took it more out of polite habit.

"What's this?" Setting her bottle of vodka aside, Nicole couldn't help but be drawn in by the heat being emitted from the drink.

"Hot chocolate." Waverly answered with a big smile before leaning closer.

"You…" Nicole brought the cup up to smell it, surprised by the chocolate scent. " _You_ made hot chocolate?"

Waverly nodded with a proud smile. "Don't be so surprised. It's vegan… including vegan Bailey's and whipped cream flavored vodka."

Nicole eyed it suspiciously.

"It's not poisonous, Asshole." Waverly nudged Nicole's shoulder before taking a drink straight from the thermos.

With a soft chuckle, Nicole took a small sip. She paused for a moment to let her brain try to catch up with her taste buds. After a few seconds, she took a larger sip.

"Mmm hmm. That's what I thought." Waverly took another sip from the thermos before looking up at the stars.

It wasn't traditional hot chocolate, slightly sharper and actually silker, but Nicole enjoyed it nonetheless. "Thank you." Looking up at the stars, Nicole felt a strange shift in the environment, or maybe it was a shift in herself. She had been thirsting for the silence, away from the crowd of teen obscenity that was happening on the bottom floor of the house.

Away from Stephanie.

And yet she didn't mind Waverly's presence. She didn't take up too much space like people often did when invading your privacy.

Waverly sniffled, rubbing a bit of steam away from her face. "I um... I wanted to…"

"Don't apologize for her," Nicole quickly spoke up. She gave Waverly a tight-lipped smile. "There's enough in life we all have to apologize for. You don't need to take the weight of other people's bullshit."

Waverly paused, a pensive look on her face. "I'm not gonna apologize for her," she said softly, looking down into her thermos as she thought about her response. "Stephanie is a bitch and she shouldn't have said that."

"Oh."

Waverly sighed. "But I do want to say I am extremely sorry… from a completely _not in my house_ kind of way… even though it's not really my house, it's Gus's."

Nicole had to smile at that. "So… is that why you came out here? To apologize for something you didn't do just because it happened in a house that's not yours?"

Canting her head to the side, Waverly shrugged. "I wanted to make sure you were okay, which you seem to be. What are you doing out here?"

Finishing the last of her hot chocolate, Nicole set the cup to the side. She leaned back until she was laying on the slant of the roof, feeling the chill of the surface even through her coat. "It's quiet and the view is nice." She pointed up at the sky. "I've never seen this many stars before."

Waverly looked up at the sky and it was quiet for a moment, with the exception of the ever present sound of bass coming from downstairs. "I suppose it would be different for a city girl like you."

Nicole rose an eyebrow as she looked at Waverly, seeing the smile in her side profile. "That's mighty small town of you to say."

"It's not even the best view," Waverly commented as she closed up her thermos, grabbing the cup Nicole had emptied and fastening it to the top. "You should see it from my old house." She sighed softly, seeming to be lost in her own thoughts for a minute. "It's further from town so there's not as much light pollution...Especially in the fall and winter when the skies light up." Her voice was soft and Nicole found herself sitting up to hear better.

"Really?" Nicole could see the emotions in Waverly's face even from the side, a bit of sadness and loss seeming to surface, but when hazel eyes turned her way, it took everything in her not to gasp. With the angle she was sitting at, she could see the glimmer of emotion and an expression she couldn't quite identify - it was like Nicole could see the stars reflected in her eyes.

"Chocolate finally hitting you?" Waverly asked, a smirk spreading across her face and washing away any bit of melancholy that might have been peeking through.

It must have been the alcohol, Nicole told herself as she found herself inspecting the features of Waverly's face. "Yeah." Nicole looked away, her mind spinning. "Must be the chocolate… and all the alcohol."

A comfortable silence fell between them for a minute until Waverly spoke once more.

"You don't really have pierced nipples do you?"

Nicole just laughed.


	7. Baby, It's Cold Outside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas time is always hard when you're missing someone, but Nicole is learning that distractions help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas all. Or Solstice. Or whatever you celebrate. This chapter is 100% un-beta'd because I didn't get it finished in time to send to Jay so... sorry. 
> 
> Ah well.

_"Aren't you done yet?" Fingertips dragged along Nicole's neck, moving aside her hair before lips pressed against her skin._

_Nicole sighed heavily. "Come on, Babe. I only have nine pages left."_

_"You can study later." Shae's voice now had a pout in it._

_Nicole shook her head, her eyes skimming over the page for the tenth time. "I'm running out of later." She tried to ignore the warmth of Shae's body hugging her from behind, the heat of Shae's breath against her skin. "Can you just give me 20 minutes or so?"_

_Shae exhaled loudly. "I guess… You already get amazing grades. What's one assignment?"_

_"You are horrible." Nicole chuckled. "I need to finish this."_

_"Ugh! Fine!" Shae pulled away, rising to her feet. "Just meet me at the party whenever you're done studying."_

_"Shae…" Nicole's brows furrowed. "Come on. It's just 20 minutes." She looked over to where Shae was tugging on her boots._

_"It's always just another 20 minutes. Or you're working." She huffed, pulling on her jacket. "I… am gonna go get drunk. You have fun with your reading."_

_Nicole closed her book with a growl._

"Hey, Weirdo."

Nicole jumped slightly, her hand holding the pencil dragging across the half scribbled across page. "What the shit, Wynonna?"

Wynonna plopped down on the edge of the table beside Nicole. "What's the matter, Red? I thought you'd be all for ogling the cheerleaders at the Christmas game, not sitting here alone doing… ew, homework…? Do they even assign homework over winter break?"

Nicole shook her head. Waverly had invited her, but in the two weeks since the party, Nicole had been doing her best to focus on her school work. "I'm just… still trying to catch up." She definitely didn't want to focus on the look of hope in Waverly's eyes as she invited her to the last game of the year, or the bottom lip that had emerged in a pout at Nicole's refusal.

Her memories deciding to detour to that night, Nicole remembered the taste of hot chocolate and vodka on her lips and the warmth radiating from the body beside her.

"Yeah I'd rather cut off my own tit than go to one of those testosterone pits," Wynonna commented with a grimace. "How about, instead of munching down on textbooks like a bookworm, we go munch on something more carbolicious like pretzels ala going to the mall for a little jingle bell cheer."

Nicole sighed, leaning back in her chair. On the far end of the living room, a Christmas tree sparkled threateningly at her with its yuletide cheer. Somewhere in the back of her mind, a deep chasm she refused to linger in, she was reminded it would be the first Christmas she'd spend with Shae being… Nicole cleared her throat. "I'm not really in the jingle bell mood."

"Well tough shit, Ginger spice, cause mamma needs a new pair of shoes," Wynonna nudged her shoulder, "and by mamma I mean Waverly."

Nicole sighed. "Isn't it a little late to go shopping? Is the mall even open on Christmas Eve?" She tapped her pencil against the table. Her father had called the week before, left a voicemail really, about her coming home for the holidays, but she'd ignored his calls. She was still pissed at him for sending her away. "Don't you have a boyfriend?" But, maybe her father had been right about needing space, a bit of time away from everything that reminded her of Shae.

"Well, nothing official anyway. I'm trying this new thing called being single since…" Wynonna shook her head as she crossed her arms over her chest, her foot tapping restlessly against the floor. "Anyway, I need to pick up a present for the tiny terror, and I need some company."

Nicole knew there was no way she was going to get rid of her. She'd done all her shopping the week before thanks to the _emergency_ debit card her father had given her, so she didn't really have anything she needed to get, but Wynonna was persistent, and Nicole knew she wouldn't get any silence as long as Wynonna wanted something. Blowing out a long breath, she dropped her pencil. "Why not? You mentioned pretzels?"

* * *

 

Nicole huffed as she dodged another shopper, trying to find the Earp that had been walking ahead, the crowd seeming to just part around her. "Dammit, Wynonna." She knew Wynonna was looking for shoes, but she had no idea where in the store that section was and the crowd full of procrastinating shoppers was grating her last nerve.

It took longer than she thought and two irritated associates later, she found the shoe department. She found Wynonna staring at shoes, a vacant look on her face. "So, I don't think that's going to fit Waverly," Nicole joked, pointing at the baby-sized combat boot in Wynonna's hands.

The voice jarred Wynonna out of her thoughts and she laughed. "I was just wondering what the hell kind of parent would waste $60 on something their brat would outgrow in like a month." Wynonna tossed it back on the display before making her way to the women's section. "I tried so hard to model Waverly's style to something cooler along my line, but you get committed a few times and it's enough time for Gus to get her decked out in cowboy boots."

"Or… maybe it's her personal style shining through. I don't see Gus in short shorts and cardigans, to be fair," Nicole commented as Wynonna picked up another pair of combat boots, these more suitable in size for the youngest Earp.

Wynonna frowned."Well, _to be fair_ ," she mocked, "you've only been around for what? A month… or whatever? I'm pretty sure I know my sister better than you."

Nicole shrugged. "True," she commented, thinking back on Waverly's style and how it seemed to bounce around from Western to overly glamorous to borderline bohemian. Nicole had also noticed that Waverly's style changed depending on who she was hanging out with. "But, from what I have seen… I think Waverly's been so busy tailoring who she is to the people she's with," Nicole picked up a boot that looked more like something Waverly would wear, light tan with faux fur trim, "I think she's only now beginning to figure out what she really wants…"

Wynonna rolled her eyes, grabbing the boot from Nicole "What are you, a walking bumper sticker?" She seemed to look over the boot, her face turning thoughtful. "But, these shoes are on sale and if she hates them I can blame you. Now help me find a size 8 in this mess."

And a mess it was. It took them almost half an hour of rooting around and all of Nicole's remaining patience to find the correct size. "Okay," Nicole stretched her back out after digging through the remnants left by Christmas shoppers. "You owe me a damn pretzel. Hell, you owe me a dozen pretzels."

"How about I get us pretzels and take you out for a drink?" Wynonna smirked, leading the way to the register.

* * *

 

Wynonna tipped back the flask, taking a long drink before sighing softly as they looked over the small town. "Look at all those assholes down there."

Nicole leaned against the front of Gus's blue pick-up, her hands flexing in the fingers of her bulky winter gloves as a cold gust blew through the area. This wasn't exactly what she'd thought Wynonna meant by take you out for a drink. "They're not all assholes, just a majority of them."

Wynonna offered her flask to Nicole who took it cautiously. "I wanted to say thanks, for coming along."

The whiskey burned down Nicole's throat as she took a sip. She was glad to be out in the open after she'd been bumped half a million times by shoppers, but she wished it wasn't so damn cold. They'd been almost back to Purgatory before Wynonna had turned off the road to what seemed like a popular spot for folks to pull over and hang out. It was at the crest of a small hill, looking out over Purgatory's downtown which peeked out from a blanket of snow that covered everything.. The sun had just tucked beneath the horizon and they could see the christmas lights adorned by the main storefronts. "No problem. I've got plenty of time to study I guess, although maybe next time it would be better to shop with more time than one day before Christmas." She handed the flask back to Wynonna.

"I mean it," Wynonna said, looking out over the town. "I know it's probably not the best time of year for you."

Nicole couldn't think of what to say, so she didn't say anything at all.

"It's not really the best time of year for anyone in the house." Wynonna took a swig from her flask. "Waverly usually has trouble around now so we try to keep shit light and cheerful for her."

Nicole accepted the flask. She was surprised by the honest look on Wynonna's face. "Because of your parents?"

"And Willa." Wynonna exhaled loudly. "It's usually the worst around Christmas. Gus usually helps, but… well, we lost Uncle Curtis recently…"

"Everybody's missing pieces in this household." Nicole mumbled, taking a sip from the flask before handing it back. She could feel the heat radiating from her throat and belly, spreading through her body. "What about you?"

Wynonna's brow furrowed. "What about me?"

"You talk about making sure Waverly has a good Christmas, but what about you? You lost them as well."

Wynonna snorted. "I'm right as rain." Another pull from the flask and she sighed softly. "I'm happy if Waves is happy." It would have been more convincing if Wynonna's eyes weren't glistening in the moonlight with unshed tears.

Nicole grabbed the flask from Wynonna and put the cap back on. "Okay, enough of that. No more drinking if you're going to drive us home."

"I didn't know I was bringing the booze police along with me," Wynonna growled and looked like she was about to pounce on Nicole before headlights came around the corner. "Shit."

Nicole felt a wave of dread flood through her as the area was suddenly filled with red and blue lights, the sheriff's cruiser pulling up to the area with tires crunching over ice and snow.

"Just play it cool," Wynonna whispered as a silhouette stepped out of the car and through the headlights.

"Well, I thought it would be strange for Gus McCreedy to be parked up here." A voice came from the silhouette. "Drinking in public again, eh Wynonna?" The sheriff shined his flashlight from one to the other before he clicked it off and rested his hands on his belt, the headlights offering enough light for the early twilight. "Didn't I warn you about that before?" He turned to Nicole, tilting his head to the side. "Haught right?"

Nicole nodded, feeling dread slip down her spine. "Yes, Sir. Nicole Haught." She swallowed audibly.

"Well, Nicole, I'm Sheriff Nedley." He tipped his hat. "And I'd normally give you a warmer welcome to Purgatory, but I can see, that in your short time here, you've already fallen in with the bad crowd." He reached out and took the flask from Nicole's hand.

"I know you don't get paid much, Nedley, but I thought you were above stealing liquor from teens." Wynonna remarked, the once honest look on her face now replaced with something more antagonistic.

"Funny thing about that, Earp," Sheriff Nedley commented as he pocketed the flask. "Your use of the words teens and liquor in the same sentence indicates your own understanding of just how old you are and what you're doing."

"News flash, old man. I'm 18 now so it's completely legal." Wynonna smirked.

"Well," Nedley chuckled, his hands returning to rest on his belt. "Normally that would be true, but you see, drinking in public is still a crime. And I may be old but I do make sure to know everyone that comes into town and you, Miss Haught," Nedley turned to Nicole with a chuckle. "You've still got, what, two weeks until you turn 18?"

Nicole looked down. "Yes, sir."

Sheriff Nedley tilted his head to the side. "Well, lookit that. Wynonna, you could probably learn a thing or two from Miss Haught here."

"What, like how to hand over the evidence to the po-po instead of actually getting rid of it like anyone with half a brain would do?"

"Or, how to keep your mouth shut so I don't smell the liquor on you." Nedley commented with a shake of his head. "Alright," He moved to his car, opening the backseat door. "We've danced this dance before. No matter your age, drinking in public is a very big no-no." He gestured to the open door. "You know the drill."

Nicole looked from Wynonna to the sheriff, disbelief turning to irritation as Wynonna just shrugged at her and headed towards the back of the cruiser.

"Make sure Lonnie doesn't ding the truck when he comes to get it." Wynonna commented, tossing her keys at Nedley before ducking into the backseat.

Sliding into the cruiser, Nicole kept her eyes forward, afraid she'd act on the anger that was now flowing through her veins.

"You two must be out of your damn minds." Gus stood on the other side of the cell bars, hands on hips. "It is god damned Christmas Eve and I'm here picking you two up from jail?"

"Nedley is just abusing his power as always." Wynonna was laying on the slab, her feet propped up on the wall.

"If you mean upholding the law, then sure." Nicole was sitting as far as she could from Wynonna, her head in her hands. She was weary from the constant cold, her fingers tingling uncomfortably and she'd apparently only drank just enough to trigger a headache that was slowly creeping through her skull. "I'm sorry, Gus. I thought we were just going shopping. I didn't know Wynonna was going to..."

"Now's a good time to practice that shutting your mouth skill, ya damn snitch." Wynonna cut her off.

"Both of you, shut up," Gus huffed. "You two are lucky that Randy is in a giving mood because he's decided against keeping the two of you in here for all of Christmas."

As if on queue, Sheriff Nedley came in, twirling his keys around his index finger. "Here's the deal kids. I can either a) charge you with public intoxication and underage drinking," he said with a look at Nicole. "Or, b) I don't file any charges so that maybe you two can get into a good college, and as a tradeoff… well I need someone to clear out the old storage closet in my office before the end of the year."

"That sounds a little pedo, Nedley." Wynonna shifted and to face forward as she sat up. "Getting two impressionable, young girls in your private office to _clean out your storage_ " Wynonna made quotation marks in the air with her fingers before standing up.

"God, Wynonna, can you please just stop talking, " Nicole growled. She knew she should have just stayed home and studied. She turned to the sheriff. "Thank you, Sheriff. As someone who actually might go to college," she cast a glare at Wynonna, "I appreciate that."

Nedley unlocked the door to let them out. "As I said, Wynonna. You could learn a thing or two from this one. Miss Haught, I wish I could say it was a pleasure meeting you, but the circumstances are a bit to the contrary."

As they stepped out into the main station, Nicole didn't expect to see Waverly leaning against the front desk, chatting with the officer there. Hazel eyes narrowed in her direction, the corner of Waverly's mouth tipping up in the slightest smirk in Nicole's direction before turning towards Wynonna.

"Well, at least you guys waited until after the game to get arrested." Waverly laughed as everyone joined her.

"Waverly, could you please drive these two home?" Gus shook her head. "I've got to get back to work."

"Of course!" Waverly beamed a smile at Gus.

"Hey I need to get my stuff from the…" Wynonna started but stopped at Gus's glare. "It's cool. I can get it later." She held her hands up in defense. "Shotgun!" Wynonna called out as they escaped the building.

Getting to the Jeep, Nicole gave Wynonna a look before sliding into the front seat.

"What the hell, Haught? I called shotgun!"

"Get your ass in the back seat before I get _my_ shotgun." Waverly yelled, sliding into the driver's seat, getting the Jeep and more importantly the heat, started.

Nicole pulled off the thick gloves and held her hands up to the vent, sighing softly, ignoring Wynonna's mumbling about selfish Americans from the backseat.

"You know, it's probably a better idea to stay in doors, especially when you're not used to Purgatory winter." Waverly commented as they began to head home.

"Yeah well you should probably tell your sister that."

 _"You should probably tell your sister that._ " Wynonna mocked under her breath, but still loud enough for everyone to hear.

Nicole turned and threw her gloves at Wynonna, hitting her directly in the face.

Wynonna shook off her surprise to pick up one of the gloves. "It seemed you have challenged me to a duel, simpleton. Well I accept."

"Well, first an arrest, then the proclamation of a duel. Must be Christmas," Waverly laughed as she turned up the Christmas music.

* * *

 

A knock on the door pulled Nicole from sleep. She hadn't expected Wynonna to actually want to duel her and she'd actually enjoyed the snowball fight that had ensued. But it left her exhausted and she'd fallen into bed early. Looking at the clock, Nicole was surprised to find it was just before midnight. Slipping from bed, rubbing her eyes with the heel of her palm, she opened the door and blinked in surprise. "Hey.. Um… what's up?"

Waverly stood in the doorframe, rocking innocently on her heels, definitely not looking like it was almost midnight. Her red and green Christmas pajamas were still pristine and unruffled which meant she hadn't gone to sleep yet. "Merry Christmas." She grinned.

Nicole blinked again, taking a step back to allow Waverly to come into the room. "Oh, yeah. Merry Christmas."

"I'd say I'm sorry for waking you up but… I'm not." Waverly moved over to sit on the edge of Nicole's bed, revealing a thin box that had been wrapped with silver paper and a red bow. "We have this tradition of unwrapping presents at midnight so I thought it was better I wake you up than Wynonna."

"And do you normally deliver the presents to each others' rooms?" Nicole grabbed her hoodie and slipped it on before running a hand through her hair, taking a seat back on her bed.

"Well, no." Waverly smirked. "But what can I say. I'm a rebel."

Nicole had to laugh at that before reaching under her bed and pulling out a present. "Well then, let's both be rebels." She handed the box to a blushing Waverly.

"You didn't have to get me anything."

"That would only have worked if you hadn't just handed me a present."

Waverly laughed. "Point taken." But still, her fingers lingered, moving slowly as she watched Nicole unwrapping the present. "I wanted to give you this earlier. It probably would have helped, but, alas."

Nicole gave her a curious look as she opened the box. Peeling back the tissue paper, Nicole had to laugh as she pulled out the pair of gloves. They were thinner than the ones she had been using but as she slipped them on, they were much warmer.

"I thought you could use some proper gloves."

Nicole smiled. "These are perfect." Under the gloves she found a beanie, black on the outside and rainbow on the inside. "This… is pretty gay."

Waverly laughed. "Well, it's reversible so you can choose just how gay you want to be."

Nicole couldn't help flipping it inside out so the rainbow was on the outside before slipping it on. "How does it look?" Nicole smiled, seeing Waverly's eyes looking her over.

"You know you always look good, but now just very gay." Waverly's blush darkened slightly before she looked down at the present in her hands.

Nicole felt a strange nervousness as she folded up the tissue and wrapping paper, sticking it in the box which she set aside. "I um… I hope it's okay. I'm usually pretty bad at getting people presents."

Waverly spread the tissue paper and paused, taking in the contents.

"If you don't like it, I still have the receipt and…"

"It's perfect." Waverly ran her fingertips over the softness as she pulled the scarf out. It was off white, blue, and light grey for most of the length of it with exception of sections that were blue, yellow and pink, knit of the softest yarn. She wrapped it around her neck and smiled. "How does it look?"

 _Adorable_. Nicole blinked as she took in the sight before her. "Looks good," she settled on, offering a slight smile.

"It's so soft." Waverly smiled softly as she held the material to her face. "Thank you, Nicole."

"Merry Christmas, Waverly." Nicole looked down at her glove covered hands, feeling suddenly awkward.

"We should go before Wynonna comes looking for us."

"I'll catch up." Nicole waited for Waverly to leave before she took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "What the fuck are you thinking?" She asked herself as she pulled the gloves off. Breathing in, she could still smell the sweet scent of Waverly's perfume or lotion or whatever it was. She reached for the picture of Shae on her nightstand, tracing the lines of her face. She had spent so much time the past few months, crying and in pain, and she never thought she'd smile again…

In the reflection of the glass, she saw herself wearing the rainbow beanie and she bit her bottom lip. God she was so confused, stuck in a ball of conflicting emotions she wasn't sure what to do with.

With another slow exhale, she returned the photo to its place before slipping off the bed, heading towards the living room where she could already hear Wynonna and Waverly bickering.


	8. I Wanna Hold Your Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A surprise visitor drops by the homestead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to get the next chapter done as quick as possible so it's not too far from New Years.

**_**companion song for this chapter is "[I wanna hold you hand" covered by T.V. Carpio ](https://open.spotify.com/track/71YCuajU8zcNhnQQzUqBow)**_ **

 

"Thank you." Nicole accepted the wet plate, running the drying cloth over it to wipe away the water, setting it on the stack of clean plates. Soft music poured from the speaker on the counter, filling the air between them. "Thank you." Nicole repeated when the next plate was handed over.

"You know, you don't have to keep thanking me," Waverly chuckled. Gus had left before dinner, leaving Waverly responsible for making sure they were fed. Wynonna, of course, had disappeared right after dinner, leaving clean up to them.

"I know," Nicole replied, setting the plate aside. When Waverly handed over another plate, she smiled. "Thank you."

Waverly couldn't help laughing as she continued washing the dishes and handing each piece to Nicole to dry. She had always hated doing the dishes, had always tried to push the menial task onto Wynonna, but for some reason, doing it with Nicole made it enjoyable. Whether they were chatting about schoolwork or just enjoying the music, there was a sort of comfort between them.

Waverly offered a clean bowl to Nicole who took it with a smile. When Nicole's fingers brushed against her own, the bowl lingered in the air between them, neither moving to separate. Neither willing to sever the connection. Waverly's eyes drifted up, finding light brown eyes studying the bowl.

"Guys!"

Both Waverly and Nicole jumped as Wynonna stepped into the kitchen. "What the shit, Wynonna?" Nicole huffed, taking the bowl and quickly drying it. "We need to put a bell on you or something," she commented, taking the stack of dishes to the cupboard.

"Sorry… did I interrupt super gay dishes time?"

"You can't just call everything Nicole does, gay, Wynonna." Waverly dried her hands on a towel. She turned away, hoping Nicole didn't catch the slight burn in her cheeks that she was sure was a blush.

"Sure I can," Wynonna responded. "But that's not why I came in here."

"Well, there's no more brownies, so why did you come in here?" Nicole crossed her arms over her chest. "Surely it wasn't to help with cleanup because in the weeks I've been here I've yet to see you clean anything but a bottle of whiskey."

"Well, keeping with that thought. Guess who's having a New Year's Eve party."

"Xavier?" Waverly guessed. She'd noticed her sister had been hanging out with him more often and Henry's name had been a bit of a taboo.

"Henry?" Nicole offered with a smirk.

Wynonna narrowed her eyes. "No and no." She shook her head. "We are."

Waverly looked to Nicole who's mouth had turned into a straight line and she could see her jaw clenching. "Do you think that's really a good idea considering what happened last time?"

"Yeah the last one was a blast." Nicole's voice was thick with sarcasm.

"Yeah but that was just cause Stephanie has a stick up her ass and now that we've discovered the bitch she is, we just don't invite her."

Waverly pursed her lips for a moment before speaking. "Well, that is true…"

Nicole sighed.

"Come on, Haught. You know you want to party. I just got off the phone with Gus and she's working that night and she said we could as long as no one gets alcohol poisoning." Wynonna pondered for a moment. "Although, that would mean I'd have to take it easy…"

"I guess…"

A honk from outside got their attention.

"What the hell is Gus doing home this early?" Wynonna frowned.

Waverly shrugged. "You talked to her on the phone. Did she mention she was coming home?"

"No. Maybe she's bringing home something from work." Wynonna moved over to the fridge, beginning to look around. "Hopefully more brownies."

"I'll go see if she needs help with anything," Nicole commented, purposely bumping Wynonna on her way out of the kitchen.

"Do you really think a party is a good idea?" Waverly sighed. She felt like Nicole was finally beginning to open up, so she didn't want another party ruining it.

"She'll be fine, Waves." Wynonna waved her off until they heard a yell from outside.

* * *

Nicole sighed softly as she slipped on her jacket. A party. She wasn't sure if she was ready for another night full of Purgatory's finest. Tugging her beanie on, she pushed open the front door, stopping at the top of the stairs in shock.

"Bitch!"

Nicole was moving across the front lawn before she could even think twice. She didn't stop until she had nearly plowed the shorter form over with a hug, lifting her off the ground easily. "Rosita." Nicole buried her nose in long brown hair, smelling just the hint of the ocean on her. "What the fuck, Bitch?" She pulled away, holding her best friend at arm's distance.

"Merry Christmas?" Rosita smirked, her eyes drifting up and down Nicole's body. "Holy fuck, Nicole. You are pale as shit."

Nicole nodded, feeling the blush hitting her cheeks. "Yeah, not many chances to sunbathe here." She looked to where Gus was leaning against the front of the truck just watching them.

"Whenever you're ready to get your bag out," Gus commented, "Waverly can show you where the spare blankets are and help get you settled. I need to head to work."

Nicole moved quickly and pulled Gus into a hug. "Thank you," she whispered before pulling away.

Gus huffed. "I'm just a chauffeur and room and board." She pat Nicole on the shoulder. "Now get her inside because she's been switching between taking photographs with her phone and complaining about the cold… or taking photographs while complaining about the cold."

Nicole laughed. "Sounds about right."

"Holy shit, is this where you've been living?" Rosita looked around. "This is some Little House on the Prairie shit but like… a big house on the Prairie." She turned her back to the house, holding her phone up to take a selfie.

Nicole pulled the suitcase from the back of the truck just before Gus pulled away. Walking up to Rosita, she snatched the phone out of her hand. "What are you doing here? How long are you here for?"

Rosita rolled her eyes, pulling a card from her coat pocket. "Trade!" She pointed at the phone. When Nicole gave the device up, she looked over the envelope, recognizing the handwriting on the outside.

With a sigh, Nicole pulled the card out.

_Since you wouldn't accept a ticket home for Christmas, I decided to send a small bit of home to you. - Love, Dad_

Nicole rolled her eyes before pulling Rosita back in for a hug. "I missed you."

Rosita hummed softly, returning the hug. "I really missed you too, but also it's fucking cold and can we go inside?"

With a laugh, Nicole nodded, grabbing the suitcase and leading the way.

"Also… that beanie is fucking gay. Trying to make a statement?"

"It was a Christmas present." Nicole opened the door, setting the suitcase just inside and letting Rosita step in before closing the door and shucking off her coat.

"Ok, about that party…" Wynonna came around the corner and froze, her eyebrows raising. "Did Gus adopt another kid?" Arms crossing over her chest, she let her eyes go up and down Rosita. "Did your girlfriend die too?"

"Wynonna!" Waverly shoved her sister as she entered the room.

Nicole just shook her head and looked at Rosita who had a shocked look on her face. "Rosie, let me introduce you to Wynonna and Waverly Earp."

"This is where your father sent you to get some space?"

"Hey! We're awesome!" Wynonna defended herself.

"Top shelf." Nicole commented under her breath. "Guys, this is my best friend, Rosita."

Waverly lifted a hand in a wave. "Hi! Welcome to Purgatory."

"Did you just call me a guy?" Wynonna protested.

Now Rosita smiled. "Well, you certainly don't look like a guy." Her eyes trailed up and down Wynonna's body.

Now Wynonna smirked. "I can give you a closer look if you like."

"Nope," Nicole quickly spoke up. "Not happening." She pushed Rosita towards the stairs. "Let me show you to my room before you get infected by Wynonna's… Wynonna-ness."

"Hey wait, you can't just leave," Wynonna called after them as they climbed the stairs. "We need to discuss the party!"

"There's going to be a party?" Rosita asked as Nicole pushed her into a room, the door closing behind them. "Like a family party or like a high school party? How old is Wynonna anyway?"

Nicole sighed heavily as she sat down on her bed. "18 and really… don't. She's a mess."

"You know I can't resist a gorgeous mess." Rosita sat on the bed, facing Nicole.

Nicole could feel the scrutiny of her gaze and she couldn't help straightening up a bit. How did Rosita see her? She felt a lot better than she had when she first arrived in Purgatory, but she was far from the person she was a year ago. She was far from the person that had been a best friend to Rosita. Nicole hated to admit that she barely knew what she'd been up to since the accident. There was a guilt that accompanied that. "How have you been?"

"How have _I_ been?" Rosita chuckled. "Look at _you_. You look fantastic. Pale… but you look… great."

Nicole shrugged. "I would never tell him, but maybe my dad was right." She leaned back against the headboard, folding her legs. "I mean, everything in my room reminded me of her. It was still hard when I first got here. I still wanted to curl in a ball and cry all the time." She looked at the photo of Shae for a moment before looking at Rosita again. "I missed you, though." She exhaled loudly. "I mean, all I've got are the Earp sisters to talk to. The rest of the school is pretty horrible with exception of a few."

"Yeah we drove through the town and… major yikes." Rosita smiled before she crawled up the bed, turning to sit beside Nicole. There was a brief silence between them before Rosita nodded and smiled. "I'm so glad you're better. I don't need you to be perfect, but just to see you smile again…"

"Yeah. I mean, Shae's still here. I dream about her almost every night, but… there's room to breathe now."

Rosita nodded. "I get it." She nudged Nicole on the shoulder. "So… tell me about these sisters… but mostly Wynonna."

"Oh god," Nicole huffed. That was the last thing she needed. "She's… well…" She tried to think about it. "She's kind of off her rocker a little. While I don't think she's straight, she's had two different boyfriends since I've been here… she's kind of an asshole."

"So you guys are like best friends now?" Rosita chuckled.

"And replace you? No way." Nicole threw her arm around Rosita's neck, pulling her closer. "But she could probably hang with us back home."

Instead of pulling away, Rosita slipped her arm around Nicole's back to pull her in for a hug before leaning back. "Ok, so what about the other one."

"Waverly?" Nicole pursed her lips, trying to think about how best to describe her. "Everyone likes Waverly. She's kind and sometimes a little too cheerful, but… she's complicated."

"Complicated?" Now Rosita was turning to face her. "Define complicated."

Nicole cleared her throat. What the hell had she meant by that? That Waverly liked to hide her sadness behind a smile and no one else noticed but Nicole. That Waverly spent a lot of her time making sure Wynonna was happy so Wynonna wouldn't run away again. "Well…" She was about to comment further when there was a knock on the door. "It's open!"

The door opened to reveal the very subject of their discussion. Waverly smiled. "I wasn't sure if Rosita wanted something to eat or not? We have some chicken left or some cauliflower rice if she's vegan?"

"Oh Sweetie, I'm definitely a carnivore." Rosita winked at her. "But I'm not hungry. Thank you for asking."

"Oh, no problem." Waverly's eyes darted from Rosita to Nicole and back to Rosita again. "If you change your mind, it's in the fridge."

"Thanks, Waves." Nicole smiled. "Tell Wynonna, as long as Stephanie isn't invited, I'm down for tomorrow."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." Nicole turned to Rosita who had a strange look on her face. "You still like drinking, right?"

Rosita laughed. "You haven't been gone that long."

Waverly smiled in response. "Ok. I'll let her know. She'll get the beer, I'll make the hot chocolate." She joked with a wink before she took a step back, waving again before closing the door.

There was a silence in the room before Nicole cleared her throat. "Well, that's Waverly."

"She's… kind of adorable," Rosita commented and Nicole could feel Rosita's eyes studying her. "This family certainly has some gorgeous genes. Like you remember _Practical Magic_ and the serial killer dude's ghost was in Nicole Kidman and he was like ' _I'm feeling very into sisters right now_ '?" She spoke with a very creepy accent.

"Oh my god, shut up." Nicole had to laugh at that.

"I'm kidding!"

Nicole just shook her head. "Okay. Tell me everything that's going on at home."

* * *

 

Waverly sat at her desk, tapping her pencil against the desk as she tried to think of what they needed for the next night. Of course Wynonna would give her only a day to get ready. Her phone buzzed, revealing another excited acceptance to their party.

She'd always been a planner, had thrived the most when she had complete control, but her mind couldn't focus. Instead, her thoughts drifted through the wall that was behind the mirror she was facing, her mind lingering on what could be happening in Nicole's room.

It took everything in her not to be creepy, to not press her ear to the wall and witness a part of Nicole she'd been deprived of.

A laugh came through, Nicole's rich voice easy to identify.

Waverly tried to ignore it. If she were brave enough to admit it, she'd realize she had formed an almost possessive bond with Nicole. Over the past month or so, it had been so easy to get into a groove with Nicole, to get used to the ebb and flow that had settled between them. She'd watched as Nicole had begun to open up, allowed her to get closer and beyond the walls that had been formed after Shae's death.. And Waverly had found herself falling into the ease and comfort of their new friendship.

Waverly knew, at least on her behalf, there was a desire for more. It had been impossible to ignore, the chemistry she felt between them. She couldn't stop the hum that she felt when their fingertips brushed, or the blush that would rise to her cheeks when she got caught staring.

But still, she was glad Rosita was here. That Nicole was happier with her best friend around. Waverly understood the power of history when it came to bonds, that she would never have a friendship like Rosita had with Nicole because Waverly hadn't known the pre-Shae Nicole. She'd only ever known the damage she saw in Nicole's eyes. She'd only ever known the girl with baggage.

But that baggage matched her own. They were both the leftover husks of loss.

But Waverly had Wynonna to talk to, when history reared its ugly head. When memories arose of the past, she didn't need to explain everything. Wynonna already knew.

So she was glad Rosita was here. She was glad and she hated it both the same. Waverly and Nicole had slowly forged a friendship and Rosita was a reminder of the impending end to that. She represented what Waverly had been ignoring all along, that Nicole was just another person that was going to leave.

Nicole was always going to leave, but somehow, while she had waded into the waters of friendship, Waverly had forgotten. She'd been so wrapped up in the embrace of the connection they'd formed that the idea of it ending broke her heart just a bit.

Maybe more than a bit, she thought as she looked up at the mirror and found her eyes watering.

"Get your shit together," she told her reflection. She took a deep breath and held it in, feeling her lungs filling. She held it in until her lungs began to scream, begging her to breathe. She exhaled slowly, hearing the shake in her breath. "You are surrounded by a sphere of positivity," she told her reflection.

_"You are horrible!_ " Nicole's voice came through the wall again.

Waverly watched as a tear spilled over. "Negativity cannot touch you but your positivity can flow out and affect the world around you."


	9. Got You in My Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing can go wrong with a little gathering of friends, right?

"Good morning."

It was years of practice that allowed Waverly to smile as Nicole came into the kitchen. "Good morning." She offered a friendly wave before she turned her attention back to the pancakes she was making on the electric griddle, checking the bottoms before flipping them over. No matter how hard she tried, she hadn't been able to shake the melancholy that had set in the night before, tormenting her sleep. "Last breakfast of the year."

Nicole grabbed a glass from the cabinet and poured herself some orange juice, leaning against the counter to watch Waverly. "Do you need some help?" Nicole, on the other hand, looked absolutely radiant, her shoulders loose and her mood way too chipper.

"Yeah can you take that plate to the table?" Waverly gestured to a plate piled with pancakes.

"This is a lot of pancakes," Nicole commented as she moved the plate.

This close, Waverly could smell the combination of scents that made up Nicole: her deodorant, the scar cream she used every day, and something vanilla. "Wynonna will be up soon," Waverly said as if that explained it.

And it did. Nicole chuckled, moving the plate before retrieving the syrup. "What about for tonight? Did you need me to go out for you to pick up anything?"

Waverly shook her head. A party was such a horrible idea, now more than ever. "No. We got it covered. You can spend the day with your friend. Speaking of which…" She looked around, giving Nicole a questioning look. She'd expected Rosie to accompany Nicole.

"She's still sleeping. Or just refusing to leave the warmth of the covers."

"Sounds like someone I know when they first got to Purgatory." Waverly smirked.

Nicole snorted. "No idea what you're talking about."

"Oh, I'm sure." Waverly dared to look over at Nicole who was grabbing silverware from the drawer to set places on the table. "You seem to have taken to the cold quite nicely."

Setting the bowl of cut up fruit on the table, Nicole returned to her place perched against the counter. "Well, it's hard to complain when you guys keep it nice and warm in here."

How could Waverly stay morose when Nicole was being so damn playful?

"So… those are like… real pancakes, right?"

Her eyebrows rising in question, Waverly looked up at Nicole to find eyes watching her closely, an easy smile on her lips. "Are you trying to insinuate that vegan pancakes aren't real pancakes?"

"Hmmm…. Yes."

"I'm going to throw these at you," Waverly threatened.

"You wouldn't dare," Nicole challenged, her voice low and smooth like velvet, sending a chill down Waverly's back.

* * *

 

Rosita shivered as she finally pushed the blankets away. She knew it was going to be cold, but she didn't know it was going to be this cold. Looking at her bag, she frowned at the thought of rooting around for more layers of clothes. Instead, she grabbed one of Nicole's hoodies that was draped over the corner of Nicole's bed. It was way too long for her, but it provided another layer that helped.

After a quick detour to the bathroom, she made her way downstairs, hearing laughter coming from the kitchen.

"Look! You don't know how hard it is to stay vegan in a place like Purgatory."

"Yeah but… just eat a damn banana. Why ruin a good pancake by taking out all the goodness? I don't know who you're trying to kid by adding bananas to it." Nicole's voice was amused.

"I'll turn you into a pancake."

"That's definitely not vegan-friendly," Nicole responded with a laugh. "Hey!" She suddenly protested.

Rosita rose an eyebrow as she got to the entrance of the kitchen to see Nicole washing something off of her face. She watched as Nicole suddenly flicked water at Waverly, a playfulness she hadn't seen since… before.

_Rosita looked up the stairs, feeling a nervousness she couldn't understand. This was her best friend, the one who knew her better than anyone on the planet. Wiping her sweating palms on her jeans, she began the trek up the stairs. She'd taken them so many times in the past, had made her way to the room so often, she knew it as well as her own._

_She was surprised to find the door to Nicole's room missing. Unfortunately, that meant she didn't have a moment to take a breath and center herself, that there were no more barriers between her and…_

_Rosita wasn't sure what she expected. Between the recovery time and the time in the psychiatric hospital, it had been a little over a month since she'd been allowed to see Nicole. The room was in disarray. The desk Nicole had previously used to do her homework was gone, everything that had been on the desk in a box on the floor._

_Her eyes fell on the form sitting on the bench built into the frame of the window, staring out._

_Nicole wore a loose t-shirt and sleeping pants, leaning back against the frame with her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms resting on her knees._

_"Hey," Rosita called out from the doorway._

_Nicole didn't move. She didn't even flinch when Rosita moved closer. Nicole's hair was shorter than Rosita remembered, her auburn hair in disarray, cut just above her shoulders. Rosita sat down, facing Nicole. "So… it's been a while." She wasn't exactly sure where to start. She let her eyes drop to Nicole's arms, each covered with very unattractive braces. "I'm pretty sure you're tired of being yelled at for being a fucking dumbass." She turned to lean against the opposite side of the window frame, folding her legs in front of her and settling her bag in her lap. Pursing her lips, she leaned forward to look at Nicole's hands. "Your nails look like shit, Nic." She dug into her bag, pulling out her manicure set._

_Reaching forward, she took Nicole's hand in her own, getting no response. She wiggled closer, setting the hand on her bag as she looked closer at each finger. "Well, nothing we can't fix." Rosita pulled out her nail clippers. "So, let's see… it's been five weeks so… you totally missed the end of Drag Race and let me tell you… no one expected that shit," she said as she began to work on each finger._

"Excuse me, I'm trying to cook here." Waverly's laughter pulled Rosita back to the present.

"What's the matter? Afraid you'll melt?"

Waverly flipped the pancake over before nodding. "Well, sugar melts so… yes?"

"Smooth, Earp. Smooth." Nicole wiped her face with a paper towel before looking up to see Rosita. "Ah ha! A wild Rosita emerges from her den to brave the low temperatures in an attempt to forage for food."

"Fuck off." Rosita pushed off the door frame she'd leaned against, arms crossed as if to trap the warmth of her own body.

Waverly smiled. "Have a seat. I'd eat something before Wynonna comes down."

"A girl after my own heart. Thanks." Rosita took a seat and smiled as Nicole set a mug of coffee in front of her before taking her own seat. "Well this definitely looks better than sandy hashbrowns and hot sauce." She picked up the mug, willing the warmth to spread through her body.

"That was one time!" Nicole pulled two pancakes onto her own plate before covering it with syrup. "But yeah, Waverly is a pretty good cook."

"Flattery will get you nowhere," Waverly commented without looking over her shoulder, too busy making her own pancakes. "Especially when you were insulting my cooking no more than a minute ago.

"I wasn't insulting your cooking," Nicole defended. "I was insulting your poor life choices."

Rosita kept her comments to herself as she watched the two bicker back and forth a bit longer as she cut up a pancake, covering it in syrup. This playful Nicole was something she'd missed since Shae's death. She remembered Nicole's comment about her father being right and she couldn't help but wonder if it was the distance, or the company.

"God, you're an asshole," Waverly commented as she sat down with her breakfast.

"Did someone call me?" Wynonna popped in suddenly. "Oh shit, yeah. I knew I smelled pancakes." She poured herself a mug of coffee before taking a seat at the table. "Rosita, right?"

Rosita smirked. "That's right. What can I do ya for?" Well, she hadn't exactly come to Purgatory looking for new… friends, but she wasn't going to deny herself.

Wynonna wiggled her eyebrows, getting a smack from Nicole. "Hey, Red!"

Nicole pointed her fork back and forth between Rosita and Wynonna. "No. This isn't happening, bitches." She narrowed her eyes at Wynonna. "Don't you have like two boyfriends right now?"

"So?" Wynonna tossed a wink Rosita's way. "I'm a free spirit. Not everyone has decided to focus on grades this year."

"Hey!" Waverly protested.

Rosita only smiled as she took a bite of her breakfast, enjoying the comments that continued to go back and forth. She could definitely see how the two sisters could give Nicole a light-hearted and warm environment to heal. But she watched as Nicole gave Waverly a small smile and the girl's cheeks flushed just the softest pink, and Rosita began to wonder if maybe it only took one of the sisters.

* * *

 

"Holy shit, Nic…" Rosita accepted the red cup as she leaned against a wall, her eyes wide. "I didn't think this shitty town had this many people, let alone teens."

Nicole snorted into her cup. "They're not all teens."

"Oh…"

Nicole sipped her own drink, looking around the room and only recognizing about half the people there. "Sometimes I can pretend that it's not that different than back home."

"BLUE DEVIL DASH!" A loud yell came through the room as a group of taller boys ran up the stairs, stripping off clothes along the way.

Nicole rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"Um… what the fuck?" Rosita looked to Nicole, waiting for an explanation.

"Hmmm?" Nicole drained the rest of her cup before seeing Rosita raising an eyebrow at her. "Oh, yeah that's the Hockey team," she chuckled. "They're gonna get naked and jump off the roof into the snowbank."

"Like… naked naked?"

"Idiots." Nicole shook her now empty cup. "No one wants to see that shit."

Rosita just looked at her. "You are such a damn lesbian."

"Weird how that works out," Nicole commented before sighing softly. "I need to go get another drink."

"Did I hear you needed another drink?" Waverly appeared suddenly, a pitcher in her hand. She wore a sheer white top over a black tank top, both tucked into a pair of form-fitting jeans. Her brunette waves were braided loosely over one shoulder and she looked up at Nicole through long lashes.

"Waves!" Nicole perked up, watching as something light green was poured into her cup. "Wait, wait… what is this?"

"Margaritas," Waverly responded with a perky smile.

"Oooo." Rosita quickly drank the rest of her beer. "Gimme, gimme. I live and breath tequila."

Waverly laugh at that. "My kind of girl."

Having been mid-sip, Nicole choked on it.

"Whoa there." Waverly reached out and pat Nicole on the back. "Are you okay?"

Nicole cleared her throat. "Yeah… fine… totally fine." She tried not to look at Waverly as she coughed again, her throat and lungs burning. "Where's Wyn?"

"Who me?" Wynonna popped up suddenly, as if just her name could summon her.

"Speak of the devil and the devil appears." Waverly gave Nicole one more pat on the back before turning to her sister. "What are you doing with that bottle?"

Wynonna spun the empty coke bottle between her fingers, a grin on her face. "Well, we've got what, like half an hour or so before midnight? I figure since we can't play Never Have I Ever, we play something else."

"I'm sorry, did we all turn into 12 year olds?" Nicole raised an eyebrow.

"Come on, Haught." Wynonna bumped Waverly away and threw her arm over Nicole's shoulder. "What better way for us all to get a little closer than swapping saliva?" She began to pull the group over to the living room area.

"Well you've already kissed most of the people here," Waverly complained, but still she began clearing the area. "We're gonna need more alcohol for this," she mumbled once the area was clear, disappearing into the crowd towards the kitchen.

Wynonna released Nicole before she started grabbing the normal group, surprising even Jeremy as he was shoved to a spot on the floor.

Nicole sighed softly. "You don't have to play if you don't want to. I know if I don't, I'll never hear the end of it."

"In all the years that you've known me, when have I ever turned down the chance to make out with people?" Rosita looked around the group with a smirk. "And your new friends are all kind of gorgeous."

"Yeah…" Nicole looked in the direction Waverly had disappeared to before she allowed Wynonna to push her down to sit on the ground.

* * *

 

Waverly pulled a bottle of whiskey out of their shopping bags from earlier and the disposable shot glasses. She tried not to concentrate on her shaking fingertips, or the way her heart was trying to beat itself out of her chest. "Get your shit together, Earp." Still her mind reeled with the thoughts of what if.

What if she spun the bottle and it pointed to Nicole?

What if Nicole spun the bottle and it pointed to herself? What if it pointed at someone else?

Waverly swallowed audibly.

"You need some help with that?"

Waverly looked up to see Dolls leaning in the doorway. "I got it, thanks."

"You alright? You look a little shaky." He pushed off the frame, a concerned look on his face.

With her typical smile, Waverly nodded. "Of course. Just Wynonna being all… Wynonna again." She gently bumped him in the shoulder and gestured to the door. They wove around the students, heading towards where a small crowd was forming.

"Waves to the rescue," Wynonna called out as Waverly stepped into the circle. "Okay, so here are the rules."

Waverly sat down in the only spot, which was beside Wynonna and almost directly across from Nicole. She gave Nicole an exasperated look, receiving a smile in response as Wynonna droned on about the rules.

"..and I'm not talking about some elementary school shit. I'm talking about a real kiss," Wynonna explained. "So, spin, shot, kiss. Questions?"

"Do we have to take a shot?" Jeremy asked softly.

"Yes, Nerd. And no changing your minds later. By agreeing to play, you accept that you may end up kissing anyone in the circle."

Waverly looked down at her hands, intertwining her fingers in the hopes it would stop the slight tremble. Thankfully, the order went opposite from herself. She tried to find humor in the situation, to ignore the panic as there were rounds of laughter, especially as Doc and Dolls made a huge display of making out with each other. She'd made sure to cheer with everyone else, to keep the appearance of being alright when she wanted to scream as each turn took the bottle closer to Nicole.

When it actually came to Nicole, Waverly almost got up and left. She wanted to make up some excuse about needing another bottle for shots. She wanted to take away the chance of her feelings being revealed in front of her drunken classmates, but there was something that also made her stay rooted in place.

The thought of kissing Nicole.

The thought of kissing Nicole with an actual excuse she could fall back on if things went to hell.

So she stayed in place, watching as Rosita nudged Nicole who took a deep breath before spinning the bottle.

The bottle slowed, and Waverly swallowed as it seemed to be heading towards herself. She felt herself beginning to shake again, anxiety and anticipation piling in on themselves. As the bottle slowed more she realized it was continuing to pass right by her. She wasn't sure if she was relieved or not. Finally the bottle stopped and Waverly looked up to see the smirk on Wynonna's face.

"Mother fucker," Nicole cursed.

"It's like all my dreams just came true," Wynonna commented in a faux dreamy tone before she cocked a finger. "Get that mouth nice and filthy for me, Haught," she taunted as everyone around the circle laughed.

"Why the hell did we decide to play this?" Nicole looked frustrated as hell as she accepted the shot glass that got passed her way. She paused for just the briefest of moments to take a breath before she threw the shot back, wincing as she swallowed. She got to her knees. "Come on Earp, let's get this over with." Her eyes drifted over to Waverly for the sparest of moments.

Waverly tried not to laugh as Nicole moved towards Wynonna.

"Don't try anything funny, Earp," Nicole warned just before Wynonna wrapped her hand around Nicole's hoodie, pulling her forward.

Waverly knew her eyes had to double in size as Wynonna solidly planted a kiss on Nicole's lips. Waverly wasn't exactly sure what she was feeling at that moment, watching her sister locking lips with the one person she...

"Get it Wynonna!" Xavier called out from his spot in the circle.

After what seemed like an eternity, Nicole pushed Wynonna away, her arm coming up to wipe across her mouth. "What the hell? You just bit my lip."

"Well." Wynonna slouched down in disappointment. "I was expecting you to taste like copper." She barely blocked a pillow that was thrown at her face from across the circle.

Waverly laughed. When Nicole looked her way, she gave her a thumbs up with an approving nod, being rewarded with an eye roll in response.

"Okay, okay." Doc tried to quiet everyone down. "As if we haven't seen Wynonna kiss most of the people in this room." He paused to catch the pillow that was thrown his way, easily tucking it behind him and away from anyone else that might use it as a weapon. "I believe the next turn lays upon the shoulders of our visitor?"

Everyone turned to Rosita who looked up in surprise. "Oh… yeah sure, why not." She reached for the bottle and expertly spinned it in place.

Nicole was busy still dramatically wiping at her mouth, making a show of taking a mouthful of margarita and swishing it around her mouth.

Waverly laughed, not even paying much attention to the bottle until it started to slow down. Her eyes briefly found Nicole's who, in all her shenanigans, took the time to send a wink her way.

As the bottle began to slow, the group grew as quiet as they could for being in a house on New Year's Eve filled with teenage debauchery.

The last thing Waverly expected, as the bottle began to slow inch by inch, was for the bottle to point directly at her. It was almost as if time had slowed down, the sounds of her friends cheering and the music playing causing a cacophony that echoed in her mind as she looked up to Nicole once more to find her nose buried in her cup.

"Well… this is interesting." Wynonna leaned forward, her eyes darting back and forth between Waverly and Rosita as she poured out the shots.

"Shut up." Waverly swallowed. "Um…" She quickly fumbled with the shot glass, not even thinking twice before drinking it, feeling the burn all the way to her gut. She pushed herself up to her knees, clearing her throat.

Rosita chuckled. "Don't worry. I don't bite, unless that's your thing."

"What? No!" Waverly laughed nervously before moving closer. She didn't dare look at Nicole. "Let's just… get this over with."

As soon as they were close enough, Rosita didn't hesitate, leaning forward to capture Waverly's lips in a kiss.

In an instant, there were a thousand thoughts that came to Waverly. The kiss was… softer than she thought it could be and it was easy to sink into it, to close her eyes and picture it was… someone else. It was nothing like kissing Champ, nothing like she'd ever felt before. She returned the kiss easily, her hand instinctively coming up to caress a cheek before she remembered that this was Nicole's best friend and she pulled away, quickly backing up until she was falling backwards roughly. "Um… sorry…"

Rosita coughed, fanning her face with a hand as she sat back. "Shit, I need a drink."

The room laughed, everyone except Nicole. Waverly let her eyes meet Nicole's for the barest of moments before Nicole looked away, pushing herself up to her feet. "I'm gonna go get another drink."

"Bring me a beer!" Wynonna called after her, not getting a response.

Waverly swallowed, knowing it was now or never. "I don't think she heard. I'll go get it." She was pushing herself up to her feet quickly.


	10. Get a Little Colder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicole has to deal with the emotions she's been pushing down and Waverly learns the truth about what really happened.

(*companion song is [Colder by Nina Nesbitt](https://open.spotify.com/track/30QNbMNYxPL78w2jLZdRdv) ) 

 

Sometime that night it had begun to snow. Ivory colored flakes drifted down from the dark sky, adding to the already existing blanket on the ground and coating the cars with a thin, frozen layer.

Nicole gasped for air as she stepped out into the cold, wrapping her arms around herself. The snow crunched beneath her boots, echoing louder in her mind than the music pulsing from the party behind her. She couldn't understand the sudden spike in her chest, one that radiated pain through her entire body as she headed towards anywhere but back into the house.

What the hell was wrong with her? That question seemed to be her personal mantra these days. As she walked, she closed her eyes and saw Waverly kissing Rosita, her breath catching in her throat as she pictured Waverly's hand coming up to caress Rosita's cheek. Opening her eyes, she found her feet taking her to the barn, somewhere alone yet out of the cold. Stepping into the worn structure, she took a deep shuddering breath, trying to control the emotions running through her.

"Nicole!"

 _Shit_. Nicole closed her eyes. What the hell was she going to say? That she was a fucking idiot? That she couldn't ignore the jealousy she felt? Why the hell was she even jealous? It took everything in Nicole to hold back the tears that were suddenly filling her eyes. What the _fuck_ was she doing?

Maybe Waverly wouldn't know where she disappeared to.

The door opened again behind her. "Hey."

Maybe not. Nicole felt a light touch on her elbow and she barely stopped herself from pulling away.

"Nicole?" Waverly's voice was soft and confused.

"Sorry. I think I had way too much to drink." Nicole looked up at the roof of the barn, seeing the beams of moonlight coming in through the cracks. "I just needed some air." Her words came out in a puff of white.

"Some… very cold air?" Waverly commented as her arms crossed over her chest, having apparently just slipped on a jacket to chase after Nicole.

"Yeah the crowd was getting a little… stifling." Nicole swallowed, rubbing at her nose that was beginning to turn numb. "You didn't have to check on me."

Waverly pursed her lips, a strange look in her eyes as she glanced up at the roof. "You assume I came out to check on you. Maybe I just needed a little air as well."

A quiet descended between them, despite the music from the house. Nicole couldn't help but notice one of those beams of lights she'd been studying just seconds ago. It cut through the chill in the air and danced across Waverly's cheek, highlighting the particles in the space around her. Nicole wondered how she could be jealous of a beam of light, the way it could so freely caress the soft cheek without hesitations. No guilt. No memories haunting its every move. Nicole couldn't even remember what it felt like to feel so carefree.

"So I was thinking," Waverly began to rub her hands together, attempting to warm her fingers. "Maybe we should stop with these drinking games." She gave Nicole a wry look. "They always seem to end either horribly or… really awkward."

Nicole snorted, watching as Waverly continued to flex her fingers. Crossing the distance between them, Nicole took Waverly's hands into her own, gently rubbing them. "Yeah, maybe we should stick to beer pong or something." She cupped her hands around Waverly's. "You probably shouldn't have come out here without your gloves." Nicole lifted their hands to her lips before blowing hot air over them.

Waverly didn't respond, her eyes locked on their hands.

It was the silence that made Nicole pause awkwardly before releasing Waverly's hands, only now realizing how strange it would be. "Or you know… we don't need to play any games at all."

"Yeah." Waverly bit her bottom lip before she stepped closer to Nicole. There was a sudden clarity in her eyes, a certainty that hadn't been there seconds before. "Games are pretty silly. I'd rather we just… get to the point of things."

Nicole froze as a hand pressed against her cheek. The simple action caused her heart to beat twice as fast, a low rhythm that echoed in her ears. But even over that thrumming, there was a warning alarm sounding in the back of her mind, a warning that told her she should take a step back, to put some space between them. But instead, she found herself leaning into the touch, longing for the very warmth she had breathed into the soft fingertips. It had to be the alcohol, right? She'd had way too much to drink and it was numbing her brain.

But that was the only thing numb at the moment. Every other inch of her was awake - awake and craving.

It was Waverly who closed the distance between them, pushing herself up to the tips of her toes, but Nicole had done her part, had leaned down to meet her lips in a kiss that was… indescribable. Nicole easily lost herself in the intimate embrace as her arm slipped into Waverly's coat and around her waist to pull her closer. There was a burning in her gut that had nothing to do with the drinks she'd had, coals of desire that were fanned brighter as they pressed closer.

It was nothing like Nicole's kiss with Wynonna, which had been antagonistic to say the least, but instead it was ball of oxymorons - delicate yet hungry, timid yet passionate. Waverly's body seemed to fit perfectly against her own, puzzle pieces that had been separated by so many other pieces until finally their edges found each other in the chaos. Somewhere in the back of Nicole's mind, under the alcohol and guilt, she could say that they fit together better than even...

A sudden flash in the sky broke them apart; a flash that scattered into a million specks of light followed by a large boom. There were a series of pops and flashes and Nicole could hear the cheers coming from the house. "Um…" It was as if her mind remembered who and where she was and Nicole took half a step backwards, her eyes looking around. "Shit… I…"

"Um…" Waverly repeated as she took an unsteady breath. "Happy new year?" She said quickly, her hand coming up to her lips.

"Waves…" Nicole swallowed audibly, her eyes wild. "I…"

Waverly moved quickly to cover Nicole's mouth with her hand. "Shhhh… please don't. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that." The words poured from her lips as her eyes filled with tears and she took a shuddering breath. "That was unfair of me. I don't even know if you are interested in me … that way, but even if you are, I can't..." she stuttered out, her words thick with doubt and panic. "I just can't," she finally breathed softly before turning and running back toward the house, leaving Nicole behind, completely confused and speechless.

Nicole wasn't aware of how long she'd been standing in the barn alone, but some time had passed. She was so much colder than she'd been before, the loss of Waverly's heat making the chill so much more evident. She could hear laughing from outside as someone, probably the frost-bitten hockey team, continued to set off fireworks. She urged her feet to move, to carry her away from the scene of her indiscretions, lost in the thought of what had just happened. She was barely aware of her making her way back to the house and stepping inside, shucking her winter gear and walking to the living room until she was being swallowed by the commotion of the party.

All at once, it was as if the music was too loud and she was feeling far too drunk. There were too many people and she felt like a thousand pairs of eyes were on her, watching her, judging her.

That couldn't be right. There was no way a thousand people could fit into the house, was there? Suddenly the room felt filled from wall to wall. Every step she took was interrupted by a bump, a kick, a shoulder. She was fighting against a moving ocean of people as she fought her way to the stairs. Her heart was beating uncontrollably, her feet moving slowly as if bound by weights. Her eyes raked over the crowd until suddenly, she found hazel eyes watching her, full of concern.

The world began to slow down. Nicole's breath caught in her throat. It was as if one by one, people disappeared. The music dulled as concerned eyes accompanied a questioning rise of an eyebrow. Nicole took a shuddered breath, long and deep, once then twice. On the fifth breath, she felt muscles she didn't know had tensed begin to relax and the chains of her anxiety slipped away. The worried look from Waverly turned into a soft smile and a nod just before the hazel eyes finally looked away. All at once the music and crowd returned, normal and non-encroaching.

Taking one more breath for herself, Nicole continued to make her way to her bedroom, closing the door behind her and falling into bed. Closing her eyes, she felt the soft hand caressing her cheek, lips pressing against her own and Nicole groaned, opening her eyes again.

What the hell was that? Waverly was her friend - _just_ her friend.

Wasn't she?

She let the thoughts absorb her, her mind racing through memories of the past weeks. How had things changed so much? She remembered how, not long ago, every morning she'd woken up wishing she hadn't, lost in her unending mourning. And yet here she was, thinking about lips pressed against her own and her arm wrapped around a warm body. She wasn't sure how long she'd be laying there, thoughts circling like a lost caravan, always taking her back to hazel eyes and a gentle smile.

Nicole sighed softly as she looked up at the ceiling, the room barely lit by the nightlight in one wall. She had to have been laying the a while, lost in her thoughts. The music had slowed down a while ago and she'd heard the calls of guests leaving the house every now and then. Stil, she layed in bed, lost in her thoughts. She tried to focus on before, when she'd known love. When she'd been half of a pair instead of alone. She tried to remember Shae, and how she'd felt in Shae's arms, loving and being loved...

As if Nicole didn't now have a memory of soft lips pressed against her own in the biting cold of the Canadian winter, her fingertips coming up to trace the memory. As if she didn't have the memory of stars in hazel eyes and the taste of hot chocolate that had lingered for weeks.

As if summoned by her own bad decisions, she heard Shae's voice slip past her ear, filled with amusement.

_"You're an idiot when you're drunk, Nicky. Cute, but an idiot."_

Nicole blinked, her eyes filling with tears as she turned to look at the photo on her nightstand. She'd loved every time she'd heard the voice before. It was a reminder of Shae, a voice she feared she would one day forget, but now it felt like a punishment. Now she was stuck, somewhere between mourning and healing, guilt and relief. Her own personal purgatory.

She snorted at the irony of it all.

Suddenly the door burst open and a familiar form was silhouetted against the hall light. Nicole quickly shut her eyes, trying to hide the tears that had begun to well. After a quick moment, the door closed and there was a loud curse before a body stumbled into bed beside Nicole.

"What the hell, Nic." Rosita complained, nudging Nicole over. "I'm gonna sleep up here tonight, Bitch."

Nicole grunted, moving over to create some space for Rosita. "I'm not feeling well," she commented, keeping her eyes closed.

"Are you mad at me?"

Finally Nicole blinked her eyes open, finding Rosita laying face down on the pillow. "Why would I be mad at you?"

"Because I kissed your friend."

Nicole had been failingly trying not to think about it. Not that kiss, and certainly not the kiss in the barn. "Rosie… you can kiss whoever you want."

"That's not what you said that time I kissed _Shae_."

Nicole snorted. "Yeah well you did that just to be a bitch," she complained. "Besides, I'm not dating anyone, so you're free to kiss who you want."

Rosita chuckled, pushing herself up to her elbows and narrowing her eyes at Nicole. "Even Waverly?"

Nicole couldn't bear the look in Rosita's eyes, afraid her own emotions would give her away. Instead she closed her own eyes, feeling the burning in her sinuses, tears threatening to betray her facade. "Like I said, you can kiss whoever you want." She tried to keep her voice nonchalant, but even saying the words, Nicole felt her chest tighten. She was way too drunk to think about this. Instead, she turned on her side, away from Rosita. "Go to sleep. Try not to throw up in my bed."

For a moment, Nicole was sure Rosita would push more, but there was just a pause before a response finally came. "I make no promises."

 

* * *

 

As the sun began to rise, Waverly sat in the rocking chair on the porch, completely bundled up. She was nursing a mug of coffee between her hands as she rocked slightly. Her head was pounding and her stomach was a bit queasy but still she was enjoying the silence of the morning before everyone else woke up. She guessed she had about an hour before she needed to start breakfast.

She had been up all night, her mind running a million kilometers a second. She'd tried to distract herself with cleaning up after the party, but it didn't help. What the hell had she been thinking? She remembered the feel of Nicole's lips against her own, softer than anything she'd ever experienced. She remembered how it felt to be pressed against the taller frame, a heat radiating between them even in the freezing barn.

What the hell had she been thinking?

"Hey."

Waverly jumped slightly from the voice as the door opened, revealing Rosita. "Good morning."

Rosita stepped onto the porch, sniffling softly against the cold. "I saw the coffee maker was on but no one around." She cradled a steaming mug in her hands, leaning back against the bannister that circled the porch.

"Yeah." Waverly returned her eyes to the expanse of snow that stretched before them. "I don't really sleep really well after drinking." Since the kiss the night before, she'd been regretting having to come face to face with Rosita. Even when she'd rushed back to the house after the incident in the barn, she'd avoided her, sticking to Jeremy's side.

"Um," Rosita cleared her throat. "I wanted to apologize for that kiss."

"Hmmm?" Waverly looked up, seeing Rosita wasn't looking at her. That made it easier and she looked away again. "Why the apology? It was all part of the game."

"Yeah, but," Rosita took another sip of her coffee, taking a moment before adding, "I might have pushed a bit much and I think I pissed Nicole off."

A thousand warnings went off in Waverly's mind and maybe she was still a little drunk, but still she asked, "Why would you have pissed Nicole off?"

Rosita chuckled. "Oh, I'm really great at pissing her off, but I'm also really great at getting her to not be mad at me."

"Hmm," Waverly hummed into the lip of the cup.

"Crazy best friend shit I guess." Rosita smiled at Waverly. "I just have a tendency of kissing the wrong people."

Waverly wasn't sure what to say to that, so she didn't. Instead, she took a sip of her coffee.

"You know, they weren't as perfect a couple as Nicole likes to imply."

Waverly looked up in question.

"Shae and Nicole." Rosita sat sideways on the banister, looking out over the snow that went on for miles. "I loved Shae like a sister, same with Nicole, but they weren't good for each other and they were so close to breaking up." Rosita sighed heavily, watching her breath come out in a white cloud. "It's easy to elevate the dead once they're gone. To make them seem like they were angelic."

Waverly wasn't sure what to say. She didn't elevate her father or her sister. Both had not been particularly nice to her when she was younger, but she still mourned them.

"Somehow in Nicole's head, she's forgotten what the last few months of their relationship were like because of the guilt she feels." Rosita paused when Waverly gave her a confused look. "Did she tell you how Shae died?"

Waverly shook her head. Nicole hadn't offered the information, and she didn't want to ask.

Rosita sighed. "Figures. We were at a party… just a stupid start of spring break party and by the time Nicole got there after work, Shae was already smashed. Not long after Nicole got there, Shae went off to get another drink and while she was gone, one of the newer beach rats started talking to Nicole." When Waverly gave her a questioning look, Rosita laughed. "Sorry, one of the newer surfers. Taylor. She's like 15, and had just moved to the area so she was asking for some tips. I was standing right there, and it was really innocent, but Shae thought Nicole was flirting." Rosita shook her head. "Shae was a damn hot head, especially when she drank. They got in a huge fight and Shae wanted to leave, but Nicole said no so… she caught a ride with someone else."

Waverly felt a chill go through her. She didn't need to be told the rest. No wonder Nicole was still stuck in her grief. She couldn't get rid of her guilt.

"We didn't know until a few hours later." Rosita sighed. "It's a pretty deserted area and the cops said it had to have been about an hour before the car was noticed off the road. The driver had died almost instantly, but from what the cops had said, Shae wasn't as lucky."

"Why are you telling me this?" Waverly asked, taking a sip from the coffee mug in her hand. She had been wondering, but hearing it from anyone except Nicole felt like a betrayal.

Rosita turned to look at Waverly, a serious look on her face. "From what I've heard, in abundance… from Nicole… is that you're not an idiot. I'd like to think I'm not one either, although I probably smoke and drink too much," she interjected with a bit of self-depreciation. "I've known Nicole for almost ten years now. I know what it looks like when she likes someone. And I've only known you for two days, but you don't hide much in those gorgeous eyes of yours."

Waverly looked away, her eyes tracing the horizon, trying to find a mental escape from the conversation that was becoming too personal. "I'm sure there's a point here somewhere."

"I'm just saying," Rosita slid off the banister, facing Waverly completely. "Nicole is my family. If you're going to do this, do this. If not, back the fuck off because she doesn't need to be toyed with." She didn't wait for a response before she slipped back into the house.

Waverly slowly exhaled the breath she didn't know she was holding.


End file.
